The Stuff You Don't Know When You Ask: "So When Are You Having Another Baby?"

The Husband I are experiencing secondary infertility and are undergoing treatment for it now. I often think if *one more* person shows the lack of boundaries to ask me about when we're going to have another one, I'm going to unload on them. "Oh, I'd love to have another child but it seems the first broke my uterus. Any other wholly inappropriate questions you'd care to ask?"

I haven't come up with a delicate way to tell the asker that the questions is none of their business, but if I do I'll be sure to share it with you. :)

Julia

www.lifewithaparasite.com ( http://www.lifewithaparasite.com )

This is a very personal and moving post and thread. I agree with the sentiment that you and your husband need to make the decision that's best for YOU. The best thing you can offer your child, is the comfort and stability of happy, thriving parents. I did not have that. and so the sister I have, was not of much comfort.

I just came back from the holiday weekend to find all of these wonderful comments! Thank you!

I really appreciate these thoughtful responses and am always glad to know that others are in the same boat.

I really appreciated when Rita said that she'd like to smell the roses in life. That is exactly how I feel. I want to enjoy life and I don't know if I could do so in the way I'm imagining with 4 children in tow. To some, that might sound selfish. Maybe it is but it is what I want. I want to travel before I'm 40. I want to see my own person develop as well as my daughter's.

My husband feels the same. Although he doesn't necessarily say it aloud, he enjoys his play time at the golf course or the lake. We are just getting to the point where I'm comfortable leaving Harper with Grandma all night. He likes that, too. He actually loves "date night." I'm pretty certain that one child is enough for him. When people ask him if we are having more, he gets very uncomfortable and squirmy.

There is also the fact that children are expensive. We'd like to give Harper every opportunity that comes her way. We'd like to travel with her and introduce her to the world. We'd like to pay for her education. If we have several children, these things may not be possible.

It's a really tough decision- one that I'll probably never fully make. At this point, if we are "surprised" with another child, then so be it. If not, we will continue as we are, with just one precious baby.

Thank you so much for your comments!

Abby Adams

www.missabbya.blogspot.com

I was an only child and now my son will be an only child. And that is just fine with us.

At age 7, he has informed us he does not want any siblings. Not that it is his choice. Our family life is quiet and simple compared to all the other families we know with 2 to 6 children. That works for us. Only you and your spouse know what works for you though.

I honestly never wanted a sibling growing up. Well, maybe a cute, protective older brother who would bring his cute friends home, but what are the chances of that happening in real life? As an adult I do wish I had a close relationship with a sister but in reality I know very few people who actually get along with their siblings. My husband grew up with 3 brothers (2 adopted) and up to 10 foster kids in his house and his family to this day is nothing but drama and unhealthy relationships. He was ready for some peace.

We vacation with friends who have kids similar in age to our son frequently. (We just returned from a trip with 2 other kids a few hours ago.) We adore our friends and their kids but after two days we are worn out, nearly deaf, and very thankful to go back to our tranquil home.

It is a tough decision for some but it is an extremely personal one. What works for one family would not work for others. Take the time to decide what you want to do and don't let anyone pressure you either way.

Good luck.

Vinobaby is a sassy, savvy, someday novelist sipping her way to suburban sanity one cheap glass of wine at a time. Discover more of her musings and rants at http://vinobaby.blogspot.com ( http://vinobaby.blogspot.com/ ) .

I relate to everything you said, except for the adoption part. I'm an only child and I always wanted to have more than one. Now that I've been pregnant and had my beautiful daughter, I go back and forth all the time!

I'm a wife to a military Coast Guard lawyer...so we move all the time. I always said I wanted 2, but sometimes, not sure if I want to go through the sleepless nights again...pregnancy wasn't so bad...healing, well, yep! not fun! and i'm still trying to lose my baby weight and she's 23 months.

I grew up around lots of friends and cousins...right now, my daughter doesn't have our extended families around. I'm starting her in school this week, actually...but I always go to having another one so she won't feel alone with this military lifestyle...but, then i think, she'll be OK...and after reading your post...I think we all go through these times, no matter what...siblings, adoption...only child...i think it's part of life.

but, wow, so much to think about. i do want her to have an awesome sibling relationship...but how will i know that will happen. i'd love to have 2, but i don't want to be an overtired mommy...i'm glad i found this!! much needed...i haven't seen this talked about much. so thank you!

Renee @ Creating Calm
http://www.reneeyemma.com

I sympathized with you as I read your post: Your agony over all the possible ramifications of Having or Not Having a second child. Wondering if you would be doing a disservice to your Only by denying her a sibling, or perhaps doing her a favor by bestowing upon her all of your energy and resources. Your struggle over what you might want for your future, and how that could conflict with what you can give your child in her future.

Trying to manufacture the "best" possible outcomes for our children is a maddening, not to mention impossible, exercise. A sibling, as you aptly explained, is no guarantee of a special, life-long relationship. A sibling is no warranty against the possible burden placed on your daughter when you and your spouse are someday frail. A sibling will not necessarily protect your child from loneliness at some point in her life.

Take the following advice with a grain of salt, because I definitely do not know the right answer for you. Or even for myself (my son is two; my husband would like another though I have big reservations). But perhaps consider doing what you and your spouse want, for the life you want, knowing that your child will be fine no matter what path you choose for your family.

-Nikki

Nikki Miller blogs at www.endearingchaos.com ( http://www.endearingchaos.com )

I can't decide whether or not to have another one, either. Like you, I really didn't like being pregnant. At all.

Then I had to have a C-section.

Then I got PPD...which didn't lift for more than a year.

But even so, I think about how much I'd like to be a mom again. And how nice it would be for Tori to have a sibling.

But I want to work. And write books. And vacation. And, well, be a good, non-depressed mom.

SO here I am, riding the fence.

I feel for you. I mulled and mulled (and wrote and wrote) on BlogHer and on Surrender, Dorothy for two years about whether or not to have another child. I got a lot of support from the other proud mothers of onlies in the blogosphere -- there are many of us. What I finally came down to was this: which would make me a better mother to my child or children? Looking at it from that perspective -- not what *might* happen in the future but what would *certainly* happen now sealed the deal for me. We made it permanent, my daughter is now seven, we don't take friends on vacation -- we just play with her ourselves or meet up with other family or friends who have kids nearby where we're visiting. I have a million posts -- email me if you'd like a list. :) rita@blogher.com

Ultimately, whether or not she has siblings isn't really her decision. It wouldn't be fair to make it her decision. Whatever you choose -- no siblings or 35 foster siblings or some combination therein -- will be *her normal*.

There is obviously no right answer here, but don't worry so much about how she might turn out based on your own situation. We are all different, you are different than your parents, the world is different now -- many, many more onlies -- and there is less of a concept of the perfect family now. I see the disadvantages of not having more kids, but I also see the many, many advantages -- and financial ones are the least of it. No fights to break up, not having to split up the family on weekends because one kid needs to go one place and another needs to go another, spontaneous adventures and a very connected relationship -- one in which I can spend an hour reading her a book before bed if I want to, because there is nothing else in line, no other kid to say it's unfair.

I definitely know I'm in the minority, but this decision was right for me and for my husband -- I want to write books, he wants to have balance, we both work full-time, and we want to smell the roses in life. Other people sometimes look at our lives and think it's lonely, but we love it. Choose what's best for you and your family, then don't look back, seriously.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

It's funny to me how people so readily ask such personal questions. I get asked it too and I already have three (but am remarried). "Are you having more kids?" they ask. And I don't know. Perhaps years of infertility have trained me to NEVER ask if people are having kids unless I know them extremely well. I think of some of my friends who have one child and they are very happy with their choice. They have more time than I do, they have more travel options...I don't know. There just seem to be some wonderful joys in having one child.

Tara

www.dumpyourfrump.com ( http://www.dumpyourfrump.com )