Motherhood Wasn't What I Was Expecting.

Today my 4 year old princess daughter came outside to watch me trellis my grapevines, and she walked back and forth gasping, “oh Mom, this is so beautiful!”

And my 10 year old daughter has the tenacity of a war general and the heart of a dove.  Her strength and sensitive heart are things I could only hope for her.

We take the kids hiking, swimming in lakes, camping, we take them to the shooting range with us, they love riding go karts. Right now the kids are all facing Dad at a battle on Quake in the other room.

Every kid comes out different, but they are a part of you…so you’ll know your kid better than they know themself because you’ll see yourself in things they do, and it’s just fascinating.

These are the extreme highs during the day where it just feels like your heart is going to explode from joy.

And then there are extreme lows when you feel yourself being crushed.


This week has been extremely difficult for Nova in school.  The dyslexia will come and go, and when it comes it’s pretty frustrating for both of us.  I’ve been trying to work with her one on one all week, and you kind of hope that by Friday things will have improved…but today was still frustrating.  So I have just been trying to rethink things this afternoon, trying not to lash out, etc.  I just get so worried about her learning because some periods it seems like we are doing great, but then weeks like this come and I can’t even figure out where things went wrong.

This is very typical of our schooling and very normal with dyslexia.  There are waves that come and go, and you just have to roll with the waves.  Some days she can memorize a whole book, and some days she has trouble remembering the math we have been working on.
So, the kids go to martial arts twice a week and that gives me some good time to read the Bible.  Today I was going through 1 Peter again, and really…everything I was reading was just God telling me to be patient because he is patient.  Have hope in the future because the future is His.  Lay all my anxieties on Him because Satan is always prowling like a lion in order to destroy me.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty haand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. “
“Be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you…”
and most importantly:
“To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”  (1 Peter 5:6-11)
It’s just such a relief reading this.  I needed to hear again that the future is not mine, but God’s.  My children are in His hands.  Tomorrow will come, and He will still be in control of everything.  I just need to keep teaching the kids the same as we have been doing and keep trusting in God to lead them in their journey through life.  I don’t need to hold my breath every night and beg for their lives as I have done in the past: God is in control of all of our lives.  He brings the sun, and He brings the rain.  I have to remember, and to be comforted by the fact that “For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory,for ever and ever.”
It is not my world, it is not my kingdom.  And my life is not my glory, but my life should give glory to God.
Motherhood is definitely not what I expected.
It isn’t full of clean laundry rooms with empty stainless steel buckets laying neatly around with the happy dog being chased by oddly perfect children carrying butterfly nets without a care in the world.
Motherhood is not the easy task of having children and going on a picnic until they leave for college.
Motherhood has been this agonizing, grueling, emotionally wrenching experience that has turned everything I knew about life upside down.
Before I had children I was worried about my life.  I was worried about what people thought about me, about how I looked to other people.  I was worried I was never going to amount to anything worthwhile in my life, if I am going to be honest.  I threw myself into my jobs, into college, into personal projects in order to find value within myself.
When I had children, I never looked back.
I looked at them and thought about their future.  I worried about what was best for them.  My thoughts were on how to feed them better, teach them better, and love them better.
I rethought every single thing I ever thought I knew about life.
Motherhood has given me more than just the amazing insight and personal reflections I walk away with every day.  Motherhood has enabled me to understand what patience is to a degree I never would have discovered on my own.  After I had children I am more conscious of other’s needs and feelings than I ever have been.  And Ben and I now have the ability to love them on a deeper level than we have ever loved another person before.
I really couldn’t imagine the words to describe what motherhood is actually like for me.
But it certainly hasn’t been the empty magazine cover I was expecting.

~~For those of us with fire.~~


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