Mothering with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

One of my biggest fears is that I will somehow pass my OCD on to my children.  That they will see my checking and rechecking the doors, windows, oven and refrigerator before I leave the house or before bed.  That they will notice that I need to wash my hands whenever I touch the spatula that I am using to cook meat on the stove or the agitation I experience when having to take them into a public restroom.  I fear that they will think all these compulsions are a normal way of life and start to have a need to do them themselves.

My oldest daughter is to the point where she notices that things bother me but she doesn't understand what or why.  Like if she touches something that I think is dirty and I ask her to wash her hands even though she just did 10 minutes ago.  She'll ask me why?  And I don't know how to respond.  Usually I just say..."Because it will make Mommy feel better." 

I don't want to tell her she touched something dirty because I know realistically it probably wasn't.  But I need for her to wash her hands or I will worry about contamination of herself and anything else she touches.

I really struggle with this and this is one of the reasons that I sought help for my OCD. 

I hate to think that my children may one day struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  And I don't want to contribute to the chances of that happening.  I don't want my girls to see the world through my eyes, as a dirty, scary place.  I want them to be happy and be able to enjoy every moment they can... not worry about every little detail.

I hate when I'm having a panic attack about something that I know is so stupid and unrealistic... but I can't help it and I can tell my daughter can sense something wrong.  I hate to see the confused look on her face.  I try really hard to hide it from my children but I know I don't always do a great job at it. 

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