Mourning a Loss

What is mourning? Does mourning only occur when someone we know and love has passed away? I believe that mourning can happen beyond just the subject of death.  Why would I think about mourning at a time like this? Why would this be something that has filled my conscious mind? Life experience these past few weeks has lead me to this discussion about mourning.

A few weeks ago a dear family friend passed away..she has a heart attack at 58...and had been battling a losing battle with Cancer the last 14yrs. From time to time inspiration hits me and I put a pen to paper and work out a poem. I did this very thing for the spouse of our family friend, her husband. I wrote a poem about their life together and how she was taken too soon. It was about saying goodbye when the thought was that he didn't want to. I read this poem at her funeral yesterday and there was not a dry eye in the room. People told me it was beautiful and that I did an amazing job. I don't always believe I deserve credit for my writing because it is really left to inspiration.  I mourned the loss of this family friend..who was a mother..aunt..wife..sister..grandma..friend..and more. This wasn't the only thing I have been in mourning of these past few weeks.

Sometimes life seems like it is too good to be true.  You meet someone....you get excited...maybe you rush things a little too much...but you feel so good being with that person. It is that scenario that always has a warning sign on it because these types of situations never work out for normal people. I am no different than normal when it comes to this scenario. Just as quickly as it came..so quickly did it fall apart...and I was alone again. What was sad was it didn't even have a real chance to work. Things just happened and he realized he was not in a good place. We put this pressure on the situation by talking about dating when he was ready. We didn't realize how much that would weigh on both of us. What I didn't realize was that I was in a really bad place myself. See I had gotten so intense about this relationship in a short time (like a matter of days) and I didnt' know why.  My counselor asked me about it and asking all these different questions. I couldn't tell her why I was so invested in something that didn't last very long. I finally discovered that it wasn't him I was invested in..it was having a distraction that I was invested in. My state exam is approaching fast and I have a fear of failure.  I had been told by too many growing up that I would be nothing..that I wasn't good enough. That has haunted me through out my life.  The excitement of a relationship steered my focus away and allowed me to just not think about it. Distractions can be good but not at the expense of someone's feelings. I didn't know if my feelings were even romantic towards him after I talked to my counselor. He wanted completely withdraw from this whole thing. I explained to him what I had learned about myself and asked if we could get to know each other as friends..no romance intended. He agreed..and I was glad because he is an aweome person. Maybe one day we will be more...but there is never pressure for that to happen...once friends was the title I felt a weight lift off me. No more being in limbo and wondering. 

Before I realized all of this I mourned the loss of something potentially good. I mourned the fact that it didn't seem like I was ever good enough to be loved by someone. Because for some reason men don't tend to stay with me. I can't explain why..or maybe I could and I don't really want to.

 

I mourned the loss of my first car as well during this time. I named her Lucy and had her for 9yrs. We turned her in for a new car and yes I mourned a car. For me Lucy wasn't an object that got me from A to B. She a lot of memories from my Senior year in high school with all my friends. She was the car that I used during college...when I moved 1,000 miles from home..when I moved back home..and almost all through grad school. I still smile at some of the things that happened in that car...all the dorky memories from singing and dancing..to giving friends a ride in the trunk..to cruising down the highway and more. Lucy was the reminder of my youth and now she is gone.  That is alright..it is just sad not to see that reminder anymore.

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