Move Over Sparkly Vampires, Here Comes Red Shirt! The Fragrance!

Okay, okay, so I am a Trekker, I confess. To a lesser degree I am a Trekkie, but I can appreciate me some Shatner like whoa. So I am excited about the new Star Trek movie. What I have mixed feelings about is the cavalcade of merch that will be beaming down upon us shortly...including Star Trek: the Fragrance.

Of course the merchandise relates to the new movie, which is a kind of a prequel to the original Star Trek series. It's got a little bit of that Star Wars thing going on with the "You must choose your destiny" angle, portraying Captain Kirk as a aimless rapscallion in the beginning of the trailer, through his transformation to the future be-girdled toupee'd badass of the series, I reckon. So, of course the movie will have the classic pitfall of many prequels, in that the view knows how it turns out: tribbles, Kirk and Spock as BFFs, etc. But for mondo nerds like me, it will be fun to see Kirk and Spock meet and see the crew come together. It also looks like they have taken a page from Battlestar Galactica and made it MOAR FRICKIN' EXCITING. I know, strange to see explosions in a J.J. Abrams film, but there you have it.

So let's talk about the tie-ins! Are you ready for this? There are three fragrances, including RED SHIRT, the Fragrance. Yes, you read that right. They have dedicated a fragrance to the sad ensign doods in the original Star Trek series who are nameless and get completely zorched before the end of the episode. Here comes the pithy ad copy:

Put yourself in the line of fire. RED SHIRT Cologne is made for the young, modern man of the galaxy who doesn’t hesitate; who revels in being alive today. RED SHIRT Cologne instills confidence, showing the universe your strength, your valor, your devotion to living each day as though it could be your last.

Your namelessness, your future as an overcooked blob on the surface of some forsaken planet....

Bright, clean and Direct with Top notes of green mandarin, bergamot and a hint of lavender, RED SHIRT Finish Strong with base notes of leather and grey musk. It’s a daring men’s fragrance for those brave enough to place no trust in tomorrow.

Ah, so that's what impending mortality smells like.

Red Shirt Cologne: Because Tomorrow May Never Come.

Tomorrow will come, and with it may bring an STD with that attitude, Mister. At least there will be some cross-section of lads who will smell of this instead of Axe, right?

The other two fragrances are Tiberius, which I hardly need to tell you is what the "T" stands for in James T. Kirk. This is the more dignified, unquirky older brother of Red Shirt.

TIBERIUS Cologne for men is a casual yet commanding cologne spiked with freshness and sensuality. Citron, black pepper, and cedar create refreshingly clear top notes, layered over warm vanilla, white musk and sandalwood base notes.

Boldly go, they say. Also, pray like hell that if a lady asks you what you are wearing that she is either not nerdy at all, or nerdy enough to totally be into it.

Ponn Far, the last of the fragrances, is somewhat shrouded in mystery. It is a women's fragrance and the name refers to a Vulcan mating ritual helpfully outlined on (surprise!) a Geocities page.  (Geocities: so wack it has become cool again. You heard it here first.) Seriously, though, I wonder why they are waiting to unveil the last one. Marketing buzz? Looking for the right angle to pitch it to mommybloggers? We shall see.

The marketing launch is very far-reaching. In addition to the usual shirts and typical merch, as well these fancy fragrances, there is also an effort to tractor beam-in young people, who at this point may not care about a pointy-eared Quinto or may feel like Trek is something for their parents, or a story they cannot catch up with. Never fear, Hipster Outreach Marketing has your back! The Trek Movie blog covered one of the events. There were photobooths, dance parties, and green chicks. Sign me up!

In related news, did you hear that the prime time cartoon Family Guy scored the WHOLE cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation for voiceover work on an episode that is airing this Sunday? I have to think that's not a coincidence. Anyway, I will be catching that. You need to hear Patrick Stewart say, "Look at me, I've got girl boobs!"

So, are you hip to the new prequel Trek? If so, are you an old fan of the franchise, or are you jacked up about the J.J. Abrams shamwowie factor? Are green chicks hot? Let me know what you think.

Related Links:

Shelly says: "Gimmie a man that smells like Captain Kirk."
Old, but lulz: LOLTrek
Ponn Far ad from DragonCon 2005.
Trailers for the new movie available here, at the official Star Trek Movie site.