The Muppets Most Wanted Review: It's Kind of Like a Torture to Have to Watch This Movie

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I grew up watching The Muppet Show, and we own the first two seasons of the original show on DVD. My daughter grew up on the real thing in the car on the portable DVD player during long roadies to Iowa, and we as a family love The Muppets' YouTube channel. We were so excited to see Muppets Most Wanted this weekend, but then we spent the entire car ride home dissecting why, exactly, this movie sucked. Here, I'll share.

Tina Fey

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There Were Entire Scenes with Almost No Muppets

Muppets Gulag

This was the first thing we were able to put our thumbs on. In the Muppet movies of old, humans were like condiments. They were usually villains, and usually not scene stealers. In this Muppet movie, humans comprised 90 percent of the scenes in the Russian gulag where Kermit is mistakenly imprisoned, and there were a lot of scenes in the gulag. Instead of Muppets, we got Ray Liotta in longjohns for at least twenty minutes of the show.

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Miss Piggy Is Nice

Miss Piggy

Since Kermit's been replaced with an evil twin who treats Miss Piggy well, she has no reason to use her mean-Piggy voice that we all know and love. We don't see her karate chop anyone in almost two hours. If it weren't for her divine wardrobe, this movie would've been a total waste of one of the Muppets' most beloved stars.

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Who Cares About Constantine and Ricky Gervais?

Constantine and Dominick

Constantine is the evil twin frog, who is secretly in cahoots with Ricky Gervais, who convinced the Muppets to take the show on the road to cover up their criminal activities while Kermit rots in the gulag. Following? Just in case you don't follow, the movie focuses scene after scene after scene on two characters we've never heard of before: Ricky Gervais and fake Kermit, who doesn't sound like Kermit and doesn't do the Kermit arms or anything else WE ACTUALLY LIKE ABOUT KERMIT.

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What Did They Do to Animal?

Animal

Animal was SO FUNNY in the last Muppet movie. (IN CONTROL.) This time, he's got two lines: "good frog" and "bad frog." If I were him, I'd fire his agent.

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Why, Tina Fey?

Tina Fey

I, along with the rest of the world, love Tina Fey. Even Tina Fey can't love Tina Fey in this movie. The funniest scene with Tina Fey is in the trailer, and every scene in the movie starring Tina after that gets more painful until the final scene during which I wanted to crawl under my chair and let her keep her pride. I'm going to just pretend this movie never happened for Tina so I can go back to loving her every move.

Did you see it? What did you think?

All images courtesy Disney

Rita Arens is the author of the young adult novel The Obvious Game & the deputy editor of BlogHer.com. Find more at www.ritaarens.com.

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