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Sparkle (2)
Three times in the last two weeks, someone has told me they are proud of me for starting and sticking with my blog. You have no idea how much this means to me, as I have often wrestled with the demons inside my head, who tell me I am never good enough.
When I tell you that this blog changed my life, I am not being coy or overly-dramatic, I am being brutally honest. It took every ounce of courage for me to start A Little Bite of Life. This blog is me, warts and all, and it was very scary to put myself "out there" for the whole world to see. The person I am today, because of this blog, is not the person I was three years ago. Ten years ago. Twenty years ago.
My entire life I've felt "less than." People have thrown labels at me,and I have thrown plenty at myself. I was not smart enough, level-headed enough, too short, too fat. I talked too much, was too bossy. I was a lousy girlfriend, daughter, sister. I was too nerdy (high school), too wild (college), not responsible enough (20's), too conservative (30's), too old (early 40's). I was cold, calculating, a bitch. I was boastful, arrogant, cocky. I was weak, pathetic, spineless. I swore too much, was a heathen, spoke without thinking, was a certified "head in the clouds" dreamer, was too serious, or not serious enough. No matter what I do in life, I've never been good enough.
Truthfully, I've been all of these things, and more. Still, as a young woman, I recognized these flaws in myself, and learned and grew from them -- I wore my mistakes as battle armor. I failed, yet I've persevered. Like a phoenix, I rose from my own ashes. I was still capable of giving and receiving love, worthy of the kindness and friendship of others, despite my flaws. I viewed life with love, faith, and hope. I strived to become a better person -- a person my parents could be proud of, a person I could be proud of. And I did it. I became a "productive" member of society, a good friend, a faithful servant of God, a hard worker. I was confident and accommodating, yet fearless. (My nickname was Danger Girl!) I moved up in my career and was respected for my hard work. I finally became the woman I always wanted to be... and yet... those insecurities still loomed, ready to assail my confidence.
Something happened along the way. I got married. My role in life changed from confident, successful,independent single woman, to wife and mother. I loved being married, yet I was no longer one, but two. I loved being a mom, and my son was my "miracle" baby, but I was not ready for the sudden changes that marriage and motherhood brought-it all came too fast. I adjusted. Then...I became a stay-at-home mother. I was no longer contributing to our family financially, and therefore believed I no longer had a voice in important family and financial decisions. Over time, those old doubts started to creep back in. I no longer had independence, and started to believe I was second-rate. Somewhere along the way, I lost "me."
I abandoned my personal boundaries, and allowed others to take advantage of me, and worse, I took advantage of myself. By ten years of marriage, I was the pathetic shell of the person I was before I married... that confident person I had worked so hard to become. I had zero confidence, zero self-esteem. All around me, life was good -- I had a beautiful family, a beautiful home, a charmed life. Outside I was still successful and involved in the community, but I went from being a dreamer, to being dreamless, with no hope for my own future. I was a failure (in my mind).
Three years ago, I reached a point where I knew things
