My blog was used against me in court OR When do you trust again after your own writing becomes your worst enemy?

In the last year I went through a divorce and custody fight, and one of the things my ex-husband did in court to try to “prove” I am unfit to have custody of my girls was use posts from my blog against me.

I started this blogging journey when my now 5 1/2 year old was 4 months old, in October 2003. I learned blogging from scratch, had no idea what a Mommyblogger was, and went through many transformations before I found my niche.  Because I was married to the military, my blog was a perfect way to let family and friends know how my growing family was doing.  I censored personal things, such as a growing distance from my husband, but I wrote constantly and lovingly about my experiences as a mother. Real life friends and blogging friends all read and commented.  Even my (now ex-) husband told me how he would brag and show off my blog when he was deployed or otherwise out of town.  Because of his frequent absences, the stories and pictures I shared online helped him to see the girls as often as he could during those times.  Because of that, I began my Flickr page in 2006, and the blog and the Flickr worked hand in hand.  I had almost 6000 unique hits a month on my blog when I applied for blogherads, and my Flickr page was well-worn, too.

For many reasons, I suffered some depression during the last year of my marriage, and my (now ex-) husband (and other close family and friends) encouraged me to blog through it, blog about it.  I took a cue from Heather Armstrong and decided if my experiences could help others in the same situation, I'd blog it.  I wrote about my first few hours on an anti-depressant.  I wrote about the anxiety I felt in detail.  My posts were raw, vulnerable, and heartbreaking, but more than that, my blog (which was about 4 years old at that point) took on a whole new life.  Many long-time readers commented on their own struggles, and I also had loads of encouragement from all over my blogging world.

However, during our custody battle a year later, my (now ex-) husband presented these posts as evidence of how I should not be given custody of our two beautiful daughters.  The details I had used to describe the struggle through depression now sounded angry, vengeful, and crazy.  Hearing my own words echoing back to me in the courtroom -- words that had at one time allowed such healing -- now ripped open new wounds as I risked losing custody of the girls, who were the very reason I had started blogging in the first place!  This small-town judge hardly knew what blogging was -- and I looked like some kind of sick exhibitionist, writing very private, descriptive thoughts on The Internets for the world to see!

My blog had been a lifegiver to me up to that point, but because of these exceedingly painful actions, I had to "Private" the blog, “Friends and Family” my extensive Flickr photos (which he also took out of context and used against me), and censor everything I said or did on email, as well, as he'd also gotten his hands on an email I had not meant him to have.  

The online haven I had created for myself was suddenly my enemy, an unsafe place where I didn't know WHO my enemies were.  I couldn't see what was out there to get me -- stats and IP addresses only get one so far.

For now, the divorce is final and the custody is settled; the two of us share joint custody as long as we both continue to live in the little Oklahoma town where the Air Force has stationed him.  However, at some point in the next two years, he will get orders and we will have to go through all this again.  Only this second time will be for full custody and I imagine will tear out any foundations of cooperation we are attempting to build right now.  I have moved around with the Air Force for ten years -- now that we are divorced, I don't have to do that anymore.  

My "session" proposal is this: what legal rights do Mommybloggers have -- do any of us have?  Was he allowed to use those posts against me?  What can I do to counteract this in future custody battles?  Are there protections for me out there, or even in the works?  At the very least, can I share my story, so that other Mommybloggers (or anyone!) can slowly gird their blogs and their writings with things that might not condemn them so much if their situations change?

Also --how long do I wait, how long should it take for me to trust again? I'd like to open up my blog and engage in the blogging community as I was once able to freely do.  But I am terrified. I still write for a handful or trusted friends and family to read -- some real life friends, some Anonyfriends. But I miss what was once such a big part of my life.

And now... the rest of the story... We went to court twice.  I was shocked the first time.  I had no idea what to say.  Yes, I had written those things.  Yes, I suffered in that way.  Yes, it would be hard to raise babies while feeling those things.  But the second (and more official) time we went to court, I went with my OWN copies of those posts.  The difference, though, was that I printed them out with the comments.  I gave the judge my copies and explained on the stand exactly how blogging works, and I explained how, in blogging these experiences with my depression, I was utilizing a community of people I had built over 4+ years of blogging and reaching out in a very dark time in my life.  I wasn't shutting myself down or staying locked in my head.  I was letting it out and writing it down for my parents, my in-laws, my friends, people I had never met, and even my unseen enemies to read.  I don't know that it got through to him, but I took the power away and I took my words back.  To me, that felt right.

Thank you for hearing my story.  I really feel like I should share it.  I could speak or share in a forum or whatever you think my cautionary tale (ha!) would best work in.

Thank you.

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