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Jean Kwok immigrated from Hong Kong to Brooklyn when she was five and worked in a Chinatown clothing factory for much of her childhood. She won early...
 
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My Brother Broke My Heart by Jean Kwok

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Let me tell you about the worst thing that has ever happened to me. As the youngest of seven children, I used to lie in bed and worry about the rest of my family all dying before me. My only consolation was my older brother Kwan, who was the closest to me in age. We would go through it together, until the bitter end, and in my over-imaginative mind, I thought that saying good-bye to him would be the worst of all. Then, in November 2009, Kwan disappeared a few days before Thanksgiving weekend.

No one in the family knew what had happened to him. After many frantic phone calls, we discovered that he had flown down to Texas to buy a new twin-engine plane. He was a well-known physicist by profession, but his passion was flying. Nightmare scenarios raced through my head: Had he been robbed while trying to purchase the plane? Had he been kidnapped? Murdered? Finally, I tracked down the airport he had gone to and found some answers. Kwan had bought the plane and taken off, but his plane disappeared off of the radar when he was attempting to fly it home to Virginia.

Kwan Kwok


The kind folks at that small airport were devastated to hear that his whereabouts were unknown. They told me what an expert pilot he was, how friendly, how humble, even though they’d been amazed at his knowledge of aircraft and how thoroughly he had checked that plane before committing to the sale. I wasn’t surprised. When Kwan received his PhD from MIT, he’d gotten the highest scores on his general doctoral examinations in the history of that university. He was extremely precise and excelled at everything he did. Kwan was like a cross between James Bond and Robinson Crusoe, only not quite as tall. So what had happened?

I was certain that if Kwan had bought that plane, there was a very low chance that anything was wrong with it. But I also knew that if the plane had crashed and Kwan had survived it, he would have somehow turned on the emergency beacon. The fact that no beacon had been activated made me very afraid.

By now, it was Thanksgiving weekend, the worst time to try to reach people. However, I finally got through to the right department at the FAA and very soon after that, the Air Force took over the search. I was trying to get as much information as possible about what Kwan had done: talking to police, credit card companies, his hotel, his car rental agency, his cell phone provider. His many true and loyal friends joined us in talking to anyone who could possibly help us find Kwan as soon as possible. If Kwan had crashed and was still alive, time was of the essence.

Every day, I phoned the search and rescue team and spoke with different soldiers who were extremely kind to me, especially when I broke down crying on the phone, which I did every time. The search area was enormous to begin with, but thankfully Kwan had a Blackberry with him on the plane, and even though it’d been turned off, it had signaled a mobile-phone tower in passing. This reduced the search area to 100 square miles in the mountains of West Virginia. It was still a huge expanse but much more manageable than the distance between Texas and Virginia. His cell phone company, T-mobile, provided us with this information, and I’m still a loyal T-mobile user today for this reason.

The Air Force and search-and-rescue volunteers worked tirelessly to find him. Day after day, there was bad weather. Helicopters, small planes and foot soldiers combed those mountains. My other family members raced to West Virginia and drove around looking for him themselves. Finally, about a week after he’d disappeared, the Air Force and search-and-rescue teams found him and his plane. We now knew what had happened. A sudden and unexpected storm had descended, he’d been in the mountains and had no room to maneuver, his plane had nicked a tree and crashed. He’d died upon impact.


Even though I am a writer by profession, I don’t have the words to tell you what this meant to me and my family. I felt as if all the breath had been squeezed out of my lungs, as if I’d been flattened by an enormous fist, as if my heart had been irrevocably broken. I’d

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SunbonnetSmart.com 2200 pts

Hello there, Jean! What a story, beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your brother's life and brilliance in all he did. I will long remember your words and the gift upon your pillow, Much Love, Fondly, Robin

cptung2009 6 pts

Kwan is always proud of you, and he mentioned to me about your Spelling Bee Competition in his letter(or his phone call) to me many years ago. His news shocked me because we were out-of-touch for some years, and I learned about it only from the Internet searching, and following the link and read about it from the Washington Post just recently. I was trying to find out more on it until I come to this post. Thank you Jean for filling out the details.... and he is always my best friend. cp_tung@hotmail.com

MauiShopGirl 66 pts

I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you... You are a talented writer and should never stop sharing this talent.

CelinaMo3 6 pts

Thank you for sharing your story...I have an older brother whom I love very much so I understand and sympathize with your loss. I am sure he knows how much you love him.

ewaller 6 pts

I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing the details of your brother's life and your relationship with him. I lost my younger brother very suddenly and unexpectedly about a year and a half ago and of course still miss him terribly. I just finished a year long blog project about him and my grief at www.366daysoferic.blogspot.com ( http://www.366daysoferic.blogspot.com )

Losing a sibling young is indescribable. I wish you comfort and strength and the support you need to get through this.

Liz

Jean Kwok 9 pts

Thank you, Lucretia!

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com ( http://www.jeankwok.com )

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 )

Lucretia 6 pts

I so love the picture of you and your brother - both the one from the camera and the one you painted with words.

Thank you so much.

Lucretia (aka GeekMommy) Raising a child in a digital world, still a digital girl

Jean Kwok 9 pts

So many words of wisdom and kindness here... I just heard about a friend whose father was killed in an accident last week. In the face of heartbreak, we can only unite and know that we have each other.

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com ( http://www.jeankwok.com )

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 )

Ashleigh Burroughs 26 pts

And, I'm sure, he'd love the love in your post, as well. The good ones always do, don't they? Somehow they know they are special and don't mind others sharing the joy. Christina-Taylor Green was just like that; I don't know how, exactly, we go on after such an unexpected and devastating loss, but, somehow, we do. I think, in part, it's because we know that they don't want us to be sad and would, in fact, be peeved if we were. Miss her - yes. Mope around - no way.

Hugs and shared sorrow on your terrible loss.

a/b from The Burrow at http://ashleighburroughs.blogspot.com

Al_Pal 24 pts

My goodness, I'm so sorry. He sounds like an incredible man. What a story of a life your family has had!
I could identify with the idea of counting on siblings to be around when we're old, after others have gone. I've thought about that quite a bit, as the eldest of four and a person who may not have children. ;p
May you find peace.

Jean Kwok 9 pts

Thanks, Karen! Eleven hour flight from Amsterdam to San Fran tomorrow! Right.

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524

sassymonkey 1019 pts moderator

I hope that you have a great tour. And no flight delays!

Contributing Editor Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

Jean Kwok 9 pts

I want to say how grateful I am to all of the thousands of readers who have read this post by now and to the wonderful folks who have expressed their love and support.

I'm leaving for a national tour for the paperback release of my novel tomorrow, the same novel whose heroine is partly based on Kwan, and if any of you are in the area I'll be reading in, please come by and tell me who you are. Just look on my website or Facebook page. I'd love to meet you in person.

In any case, all my gratitude to all of you!

xo Jean

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524

treemotherofpearl 6 pts

Loving wife, mommy to 5 beautiful kiddos, and grandmom to 2 precious little girls.....taking life one day at a time!

Mother of Pearl It Is ( http://www.motherofpearlitis.com )

Mommies Faves Top Sites a ( http://www.mommiesfaves.com )

treemotherofpearl 6 pts

I am so sorry for your loss! He sounds like an exceptional brother. What a tragedy to lose someone so close to you. And what a beautiful gift he gave to you. Thank you for sharing your story!

Tree
Mother of Pearl It Is ( http://www.motherofpearlitis.com )

write 2 the point 6 pts

Thank you for sharing your heartwrenching story. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I have suffered loss too, but through estrangement rather than death. It is painful like a death and I can empathize with how you must be feeling. May God bless you and I am sure your brother is looking down on you with happiness

Jean Kwok 9 pts

When I wrote this article, I never imagined the surge of love and empathy I would receive in response! Thank you all so much. Your kindness is a great help and consolation, and I feel for everyone who has also gone through a similar loss.

xx Jean

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524

teamcarter 5 pts

My heart is broken for you. I especially appreciate the very last line. So true!

outlawserenade 10 pts

I lost my younger brother in 2002, and even until today, there is still that void in my heart. I would still cry whenever I remember him, and all the misfits we'd done together.

I wish you and your family would find peace, eventually, with his departure.

Nobody wants to be Ethel 35 pts

Tears come to my eyes upon reading your story and the love you had for your brother. I am so glad you are continuing to write and that your brother was such an inspiration.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com ( http://pattyabr.wordpress.com/ ) where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

cmcf 5 pts

Your story truly is heartbreaking, and I can't imagine the pain you must feel at the loss of your brother. It is such a comfort to know that we can be with our loved ones again, together forever after this life.

http://lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/the-eternal-family?lang=eng

abitnerdy 6 pts

My heart goes out to you. Your brother sounds like such an amazing and sensitive soul. He is truly an inspiration. I teared up in sadness and then in relief.. he left his mark in the world. Your brother sounds like the the type of person I strive to surround myself with. Thank you for the amazing post.

Lorita A. 5 pts

I couldn't imagine what you must be going through as you deal with the loss of your brother. I too have not had to deal with a lot of death in my life. Last time was my aunt, but I was only 3 at the time. I'm not sure how I would handle any of my loved ones passing before me.

I thank you for your beautiful memory of your brother. I grieve with you and I hope you and your family are able to heal.

Lorita blogs at Pickled Ketchup ( http://www.pickledketchup.com ).

Faceliftat50 5 pts

Hi Jean-

You are a beautiful writer and this was a beautiful tribute to your brother. I was truly touched by your last sentence because I too lost my brother almost 2 years ago. I am not a very good writer, but you expressed exactly how I feel. My heart is broken as well, but we were both so blessed to have experienced a great, undying love for our brothers. I feel that we have to live for them and experience the things that they would have enjoyed. I try to do that often. I'm certain Kwan would be proud of you and all you have accomplished. You go girl!

alexandraRS 23 pts

Alexandra  ( http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/ ) keeps a humor blog, Good Day, Regular People.com ( http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/ ), where she writes of small town life, raising 3 boys.

Tears in my eyes.

I loved her book, and I can see his soul in her writing.

Jenny Lauck 8 pts

Thank you for sharing this - I'm so sad for your loss, and so very moved by this tribute to your brother.

The Circus is in town! ( http://www.threekidcircus.com ) Kid Vs. Produce ( http://www.kidvsproduce.com )

Jean Kwok 9 pts

I am so incredibly grateful to everyone who's read this piece and especially those who have posted here, sharing their own feelings and experiences. It is wonderful to know I'm not alone and I'm sure my brother would be so glad to be remembered (he always loved attention)!

xoxo Jean

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524

laura capello 5 pts

i can't even imagine all you and your family have been though. how incredibly heartbreaking.

and what a fantastic brother he was.

museconfuse 5 pts

It was a piece that resonated with me. I have not yet suffered many deaths but my greatest fear in life is losing the ones I love to death. While, I cannot pretend to know what you feel but I just want to say thank you for sharing this.

Just_Margaret 17 pts

I weep for you...I can only begin to imagine the gaping hole that would be in my life, in my heart, should something happen to my brother. Thank you for sharing this with us. It's a heart-rending and beautiful tribute to Kwan.

~Margaret

Margaret Barney writes at Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com ) and is a contributor at Prime Parents Club ( http://www.primeparentsclub.com/ ).

Grace Hwang Lynch 71 pts

No detail of your brother's impact was lost on you -- or your readers. I love your awareness of the connection between that first notebook and your own writing.

My mother gave me a notebook when I was eight. I never regarded it as her having recognized something in me, but your essay makes me think twice.

Grace Hwang Lynch blogs at HapaMama ( http://hapamama.com ) and A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ( http://www.blogher.com/ A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ).

Jane Collins 152 pts

Jean, your magnificent brother will live on through your love and writing. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I lost my own beloved older brother 11 years ago. Like your brother, he shared a love for science and aviation. He worked for NASA for many years.

The pain fades a little bit over time. The memories live forever and inspire us all. I hope you always share your "notebook" with everyone. You have a gift.

---Jane

LadyVroom 5 pts

Jean,

Thanks for sharing this wonderful and special relationship you & your brother shared. Becoming grateful is a gift of death. I've experienced it too.

My brother passed away from cancer on February 17th, 2011. You can read my journey about that here: http://unravelcancer.blogspot.com/

Reading your post helped me to put words on it that I hadn't before: heartbroken. All of us at the mountain memorial were heartbroken.

As a result, I'm taking a long journey to honor him, and help bring hope & support to others by sharing stories much like yours. It's called The SpokenCoast Project.

The Facebook page is here: http://www.facebook.com/TheSpokenCoast

The website is being built here: http://spokencoast.org

Would love to have your support in this journey by following along.

Hugs and love to your for your loss, Jean.
Marissa

Lisa Stone 61 pts

...that your brother knew you so well, saw you so clearly, that he bought you a diary, a storytelling medium.

I'm so sorry for your loss; I cannot separate who I am from my brothers and sisters and our experiences together, separation would be agony.

Lisa Stone, BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

Rita Arens 199 pts

My best friend gave me a notebook, said something very similar to what your brother said to you. There is something amazing about a person who can see your heart, sometimes before you see it yourself. I really love this post, and it brings a whole new level to your novel.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

nellewrites 105 pts

your story on Facebook.

There are times when I stumble into a writing and it just consumes me. Just now, not by my choice, I read as While My Guitar Gently Weeps played in the background, taking your words, stirring them with music, feeling every word I read.

You honoured your brother, you are an honour to your brother. I thank you for sharing this with us.

nellewrites ( http://nellewrites.wordpress.com/ )

lovelifeproject 7 pts

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful, heartbreaking words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing.

Stephanie blogs about health, balance and learning to love life more deeply at Love Life Project ( http://www.love-life-project.com ).

Jenifer Monroe 8 pts

Like Suebob said, love is beautiful and heartbreaking.

Thank you for sharing your story here. I'm very much looking forward to reading your book.

Cooking Cowgirls 5 pts

My heart is broken for you. I recently read Girl in Translation and loved the book. Reading this story really helps me understand where the powerful story in the book came from and even gives the book more meaning to me. I can only imagine what a loss this was for you as he made your life so rich with his understanding and kindness.
~merry~

niseag03 13 pts

I'm wiping tears away myself now. What a beautiful piece and tribute to your brother and the bond you two shared. He broke your heart, but he also knew your heart and where it longed to go (writing). There's something magical about that, and while I know you'll always have that missing piece in your heart, it was also through him that your heart and life soared where it truly belonged.

Denise
Musician's Widow ( http://www.musicianswidow.com )

suebob 41 pts

Love is so beautiful and so heartbreaking. The real truth is that we will lose everyone we ever love, either through their deaths or ours, and yet we do it anyway because it is worth it.

I love the way you write about your brother. I lost my sister to MS four years ago and my heart is still broken. I only hope that we will be together again someday.