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I am so excited about getting this thats been weighing on my heart for so long, I can't wait to just know how God will use this to help me.
I will start from the begining, this story is like many that are kept in secret and never revealed. It hold deep and very dark confessions that I think I was the only one to struggle with and I hope to find light at the end of this dark tunnel that has held me captive ever since I can remember.
As a child I was the center of attention because I talked alot and made friends quick, mostly it was because of the form in which I would speak and the great imagination I had and the way I expressed my thoughts and feelings and stories.
When I was 8 five years after my parents divorced. The courts had given my father the right to a bi-weekly visitation of a 3 day week end whick I hated because I didn't want to miss church service where my mother when to church. Keep in mind my father never really believed in anything other then himself living and working.
One day during our weekly visits, during playtime with other kids was this girl my age (niece of my fathers lover) that had experimented with sexual gratification while we played hide and seek she began to touch my private parts and I got scared but my racing heart and pleasure seemed to tell me it was ok but my ego said it was not ok. i let her touch me, I liked it and was willing to do it more and see her more. I was thinking thoughts like, "when i get older and drive I am going to come to her house and we are going to do this alot," so when we went to visit her house I tried to see land marks to memorize how drive to her house when i began to drive. I never had an idea wha a lesbian was. I didn't know it was wrong, I felt it was something shameful if others found out so I begged her to keep it a secret. I was only 8 years old.
The way she touched me was on top of my clothing. But evertime I knew I was going to go to my fathers house I wanted to wear something that made it easy for her to touch me skin to skin. I wanted to be alone with her so there was times i pushed my 3 younger sisters away. we talk about nasty stories and my sexual hunger grew more and more. then she asked me, "have you touched yourself and felt something you never felt before. It feels so good, try it. I did. It feels really good" I asked her how, and she touched me and told me how, she instructed me what to do. I remember taking a bath at my house one day and in the bath tub I did what she told me and I had my first orgasim at age 8. then i knew what she was talking about.
Then she stopped coming as often. These actions led me to do other things. My youngest sister, while she was only 4. i touched her in ways I told her it was playing. I told her not to say anything if she would i would never come to her house again.
It stopped with her, but I was left with more shame and sexual hunger that I longed for more. Then at age 9, I was confronted with my first hardcore pornographic movie that showed everything that for the first time my inocent eyes saw. I thought I was putting in the vcr a scary movie lo and behold someone labeled it scary movie. I was babysitting my new born niece and I popped it the movie as she slept and I saw a man thrusting his penis inside a womens vigina. (I am so sorry for using this extremly detailed words but i need to get this out of my system. we all here are mature women) I got scared and turned off the tv because I heard moaning loud and cursing. but oh, that all to familiar heart racing feeling came back. I like it I wanted to see it. I was terribly scared but greatly curious about what it was that they were doing and why i felt the way I felt. I turned the
