co-nun-drum 1: an intricate and difficult problem.
2 : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer.
con-jec-tur-e : a conclusion deduced by surmise or guesswork.
surmise : a thought or idea based on scanty evidence.
I have never been the type of person that enjoyed a good riddle. No riddles in any form. Not a crossword puzzle... sudoku... I don't even play chess. Riddles are not and never have been my "thing". In grade school I even hated analogies on tests.
So how is it that God saw something in me that I never saw a glimmer of in myself? I have been given, blessed with, had bestowed upon me...the ultimate riddle. And his name is Karsten. He is more than a riddle. More than an enigma. He is a labyrinth. The journey to help him may be barely escapable, even for me the one carrying him along the path. But, the thought of helping him...of saving him from any pain or discomfort or struggle that I can is incomparable, it compels me.
Nothing that I feel is any different than any parent that loves their child. The difference is that I'm able to look behind the curtain. I know the feeling of almost losing my child. The marker in my mind that separates my life into: before Karsten was sick, and after... and the fear that calls those emotions back to me every time that he is sick again. I've felt it so often that I can call on that emotion at will. Just like thinking of one of the funniest stories of my life makes me laugh. As I type, if I think about it...........yup, there it is. I experience daily what other parents are able to put aside and forget about... lock away in a box labeled TRAGEDY and open only in case of emergency.
This special needs life is sink or swim, with the consequences of sinking just as dire as they would be to stop treading water in the middle of the ocean. There's no instruction manual. No help at first, until you find it. Hands down the most difficult thing that I have ever done, and yet I can't give up. I won't give up. I told a friend recently that love makes no sense... to do what I do is insanity... to give your life up to try to save another. But we do it everyday. Humans do it daily, consistently, over and over again...and her response to me..."it's God's insurance policy". And there it is...four simple words that sum it up completely.
My quest for his happiness and comfort defies logic. He is my El Dorado. My Atlantis. My one great adventure. I would travel to the ends of the earth... risk death and destruction...to help my son, my conundrum, one of the great love's of my life.
This blog is about him, my little conundrum. But it's not for him. It's for others. People just starting out on this journey. People who know someone with a special needs child or adult. For people that pass a special needs person on the street. It's my knowledge, as limited as it is...it's my effort to make the road a little easier for the next person.
Though, I pray that no one follows in my footsteps...I know that they will. So in advance, this is for you, and for anyone that might know you... who can bring you to this place to make it easier in any small way for the road that you're about to travel. I don't intend for this to be a solution. Every one of these children is so different that it can't be...it's just a stepping stone to help you on your way.
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