My day in the hospital laboring with prodromal labor. There's a first time for everything!

Relief or so I thought. A plan had been made and since we were nearing midnight the mommy guilt that had been plaguing my thoughts was dissipating. This wasn't my fault and hopefully the baby would end up being okay.

Isn't it ridiculous though? I mean I spent the better part of the day on Monday sitting in the hospital trying to wrap my mind around the thought that I was having this baby at 35 weeks and 5 days. Along with that came the worries that this child wouldn't be with me full time because he/she would need to be monitored in the special care nursery, hooked up to machines with IVs in his/her arms. Envisioning that scene made me frustrated with my own body. Why was it trying to evict this baby now? Did it not understand that it was too early? Was it wussing out on the one job its meant to do well?

Then I started reflecting on myself. Was this my fault? Had I been complaining so much about how uncomfortable I was that I unknowingly willed myself into labor? Had I broken the cardinal motherhood rule and put myself above my own child because I seriously disliked being pregnant? I don't think that my mind has that much control over the biology of my own body but what if it did? Could I live with myself if this baby was born with problems because he/she was born too soon? The answer remains unknown in large part because I got a second chance.

Second chances. The night moved on, I tried to get some rest and with the new found hope that my nurse had given me that my baby may actually be okay I started to get my game face on. Time to do the work needed to bring this child into the outside world. And then the nurse came into check my progression...

Praying during the wee small hours of the morning. While we were at the hospital my prayers (which are always pretty frank since I figure the Lord already knows my heart so why try to hide it) went like this, "Okay, what do I have to learn from this whole thing?" Pause to wait for any kind of answer. "Fine. I'm not in control. Is that what You want to hear? There. I'm not in control You are. Yes, You're the one Who will make this happen not me. No, I promise I'll let it all go and yes, I know that life would be easier if I could just do that but...." Pause. Deep in my heart this is what I heard from the Lord, "Why do you want to do it the hard way? Knowing all isn't necessarily the best or easiest way to live. Let Me be the all knowing One in Your life so you can relax a bit. And by the way, it's not your fault dear child, don't go there." It was refreshing, difficult to actually do since it goes against my human nature but He had a point. Letting go would make life more enjoyable.

It stopped. Everything slowed down and I hadn't progressed any more since 8:00pm. My nurse, who did not want me to deliver the baby because of his/her gestational age, called my doctor and they decided that I needed to sleep. My doctor was not going to come in to break my water after all. I would sleep and my progress would be checked in the morning. If nothing had changed they would send me home.

Confused and leaving with my baby still in my womb. I awoke the next morning to find that I was barely having contractions. Whatever my body was doing the day before had come to a standstill and everything had remained the same since 8:00pm the night before. I knew what was coming...I was going home with a baby still in my womb. My doctor drove in to see me and check on me that morning. She confirmed what I had secretly thought: nothing had changed. It was time to pack up and go home. We had an ultrasound to confirm that everything with the baby was okay; that he/she was reactive, taking practice breaths, etc. Everything was good and baby looked perfect.

My feelings that morning were very mixed. I was exhausted because I had barely slept; after all sleeping in a delivery bed is less than ideal. My hormones were raging from the previous day's events and all the work my body had done to progress me to four centimeters dilation. My head knew that this was the absolute best thing for the baby but my heart longed to finally meet this little wild card growing inside of me. I call him/her a wild card because so far this child has broken the mold. Why? I got pregnant the first try with this child, it took the second month of trying to get pregnant with my other two. The other two had been born on Thursdays the day after a full moon; the full moon isn't for another two weeks with this little one. Labor started with my other two because my water had broken on its own. I was experiencing prodromal labor with this baby; my water was still intact and labor has completely stopped with minimal progression towards dilation.

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