My Evolving Thoughts on Infidelity and Forgiveness

I really appreciate you taking the time to put into words something I often have struggled with trying to explain to my own friends for quite some time.

However, I didn't believe that infidelity could be forgiven or that a relationship could continue beyond it until I was the one who did it. It took that situation in my life to realize how much I really WANTED to recommit myself to my husband and to our relationship. While it certainly wasn't a 'good' thing, I will say the aftermath of it was the spark I needed to redevote myself to him, and I appreciate the fact that he could forgive.

 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I too have found my self in a similar position in the past. I walked in on it. There is a sudden reality shock that comes along with the pain .

As a woman, the fist step to healing is to realizing, you are not the problem. We often try to rationalize our parthers actions by finding faults in our selves. It's not your fault. His pain and saddness is not your problem. Deal with you first.

In order to forgive him, you must  be able to let it go. It's the hardest part. I have been with my husband for the past three years after his indiscreation. Unfortunatley, life is never the same. I have forgiven him and learnt to trust again. I always tell my self  if he wants to, he'll do it agin.

The difference is I have grown. I can't tell you what to do. I can say however. The relationship is harder, the emptyness inside never seems to go away and his touch,  never satisifies you as it used to. So, you decide what you want, even if it means you taking some time away for your self.  

Z,

This is one of the 'funny' aspects of infidelity.  There's ZERO effect on the relationship unless it's found out. :)

This is why this topic is so interesting to me.  There are people that get cheated on all the time, and they never know it, so they go on with their relationships as if it weren't even happening.

In fact, their reactions are NOT to BEING cheated on, but rather to FINDING OUT they were cheated on.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

Interesting piece, Liz.

There are lots of situations, such as the one you describe here where people begin to believe one thing, like when they're small children, and then they never let it go.  They believe "There's someone for everybody" or that they're going to get married, or that when they DO get married, it's going to last until they die.

Other concepts, like Santa Claus & The Easter Bunny eventually dissipate.  It's like people agree that at some point, you stop believing in certain fantasies because they were only told to you as a child for a reason, such as to make you "act good" so that Santa will bring you toys.

One major difference between the sets is tests.  Eventually, you are TESTED as far as whether Santa brought the toys or your parents did.  Your parents win and Santa loses and becomes a non-issue... a fairy tale.  People are rarely tested on issues such as fidelity/infidelity, because there's no market for it... there's no benefit to anyone.

If you attempt to trace backwards to where you developed the belief that:

"Infidelity was unforgivable. The only appropriate reaction to
infidelity, under absolutely any circumstances, was to walk away from
the relationship. Clearly."

you won't be able to find it.  It's a given.  It's as ingrained as how you breathe, walk or stand up straight.  Just as sure as you believe that it's eventually going to be nighttime and then it's going to be daytime again, you believe(d) in the concept of fidelity in relationships.

In fact, it's just not a given... The evidence being the cheating and divorce rates being consistently reported between 40% and 60%.  Basically, HALF of the people that SAY they're going to be faithful don't live up to that promise.

From the extremely little that I know about Catholicism (which also comes from movies, haha), they're not hip to divorce.  Therefore, it makes sense NOT to pass someone who can't say that they MIGHT forgive their SO for cheating on them.  If they can't forgive them, they'll probably get a divorce.  No good.  No pass.

As far as your friend, I find it interesting that you felt you had to forgive them for their infidelity to someone else, when it's apparently none of your business at all.  It makes sense, though, since you were so anti-cheating from such an early age.  I guess the concept is "I would never do it, so I would never hang out with people that do it"?  The fact of the matter is that people cheat all the time.  That's not going to jive with your personal world-view of "Cheating is wrong" or "Cheating should never happen" or "This is DEFINITELY what I would do if someone I knew cheated on me or on ANYONE!".

My personal life experience touts FREE WILL above all else.  People are going to do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it.  Period.  So, while I might be interested in stories that cheaters have to tell about their exploits, I wouldn't low-grade them for doing what they wanted to do with their own lives, and I certainly wouldn't feel like I had to forgive them for doing something to someone I don't even know.  This is only because I know so many people in so many relationships that I already tested my beliefs on fidelity and came to grips with what I think/feel about it.

IMO.. It comes down to trust, as you mentioned.  There are a lot of people that throw away perfectly good relationships to people who are trustworthy on every level other than sexually.  Some people see infidelity as something they can't get past, and that's fine.. so long as they're making that decision as a rational adult and not leaning on ideology they were taught as a small child and never tested when they became old enough to think for themselves and make up their own minds about how life works FOR THEM.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

Wow, that sounds like an awful situation, Jenn04. It seems like a horrible betrayel on his part, and although he "chose" you, you should ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship right now. Don't think about anyone but yourself for a minute, and evaluate your happiness. Are you happy with him now, at all, ever? Unless there are some insermountable financial reasons, it doesn't sound like you should stay with him. Cause if you're miserable, and he's not even showing you that he's in love with you and can't believe his luck that you're sticking by him, it's not worth it. The only reason to be in a romantic relationship is the high it gives you, imo. If it's not there, you can forgive or not forgive, but there's no point in trying to share lives. Especially when your partner's loyalty and devotion can't even be relied upon. Besides, if you're not happy, how can you properly raise your daughter?

Maybe my thinking is overly simplistic, but sometimes it also helps to strip away all the layered history - nevermind 13 years and all the obligations - to the core of: am I where I want to be now? If not, can I get there soon if I don't change course? What would it take for me to be where I want?

As for forgiveness, I think that will come naturally when you're in a good place. It's how you get to that good place that you have to work at.

 It takes time.

What do you want, I mean what do you really want?

 ........

That answer will help you get thru. 

I have you in my prayers.

Love Flora

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       How do you forgive your husband of 13 years . After finding out that he has been having an affair (relationship) for the last 4 1/2 years . And it was only ended because i  found out about it . Would he have ever ended it with her if i didn't find out or make the threats i made when i did find out .
     So many questions and pictures run through my head of them togeather . Does he still love her and long to be with her . It seems as if he is just going through the motions . And is only here for his daughter . It has only been a few months since i found out . He is so different not as happy as he used to be . i don't know if it because of the guilt he feels or if it is because he misses her . I see the distance in him and i am affraid of the answer i might get if i ask . I can't belive that after being with her for so long that he just can drop it . After all i do know what he is like when he is in love . He once was with me , and they have shared more that he has told me and i guess that is a good thing . I don't think my heart can handle it ..............

           ANY SUGGESTIONS ??????

 Just three short years agoI had a truly black and white perspective on infidelity. Which is hilarious since I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED. So what the hell do I know? But over the past two years the most startling discovery I have made is that there are so many different facets and angles when it comes to infidelity. I'm sure that there are people who are inconsiderate assholes (men and women) who cheat because...well, they're inconsiderate assholes. But sometimes there is just so much more to a situation. Only the people directly involved can really know what is going on and as a friend of the couple or just one half of the couple, the best one can do is just sit there and listen. Not pass judgement. Not call a husband or wife a no good, shithead, etc., etc., because there probably is so much more that hasn't been said.

On the one hand; this revelation makes me never want to get married. On the other; it's just complicated and a couple must be willing to work together and support each other as best as possible.

Heather B. 

No Pasa Nada: www.nopasanada.org ( http://www.nopasanada.org )

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 When I first married sixteen years ago I would have easily said I would leave and not go back if my husband cheated. Sixteen years later, I cannot say that. Infidelity is too complicated, our lives are complicated, and even our love is complicated. There are so many variables to cheating. I, like you hope my love and trust is not put to the test.

Kim

Beautiful Wreck

http://lotsoflaundry.blogspot.com/

 My gut reaction is to say I could never forgive something like that. However I know things always depend on the situation and the person. I try not to judge because I have no idea what I would do if something like this happened to me.

And thanks for the link love! What a nice surprise to see my post linked here!

Cat

Beyond Elsewhere ( http://www.beyondelsewhere.ca ) and Beyond Books ( http://beyondbooks.ca )

I have never been cheated on, but I could relate to your post. 

I find it unforgivable- cheating... but what kind of a relationship would that be if I walked away just like that. I mean, we have been together the last 10 years- ups and downs- steep ups and slopey downs- would that mean nothing at all? 

Thanks for sharing. Great post. 

Mauzzie

http://mauzzie.wordpress.com

As we have experiences it opens us up to realizing that relationships are fragile, that people change, that things are never as simple as they appear.  In my younger days, I participated in an open relationship.  It didn't ultimately work because there wre no rules or guidelines but it taught me that you could love someone and not be physically faithful.  I've been the cheater and the cheated.  As I've grown up, I've decided that I will not cheat in a committed relationship (otherwise why be in it?) and that I will be open to forgiving if I'm cheated on.

There's a long story behind those decisions but, both in my own life and in the lives of friends, I've seen a lot.  The hardest person to forgive is ourselves, for our foibles, for wondering if "it was us" that caused another to stray.  The hardest thing to do is to remain faithful and keep participating actively to make our relationships vital. 

My final word (for now at least) is that I also learned about forgiveness as a mother needing to forgive my adult children and as a daughter, whose mother didn't let go of me even when I pushed her away as hard as I could.

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Good and plenty!

I eventually left my husband of 12 years, after repeated infidelities I could no longer ignore. He traveled a lot on business, so it was easy to cover them up and easy for me to deny my suspicions. In moments when I thought about leaving him, I didn't know where I would go with 3 dogs; finding a rental would be difficult if not impossible, and they were my solace and support. I would never part from them. One day, cleaning up some papers I found an Amex receipt that put him in a different city than where I thought he was, and buying a Christmas present for someone other than me. That was the moment I decided to leave him. It wasn't easy, and it took me several years to make it happen. At mid-life, I found myself starting all over again. I took a workshop on forgiveness, and I learned that forgiveness doesn't mean you accept or condone the wrongful behavior, it means you are able to say, "He's a fallible person, just like me," and move on. I learned not to dwell on past hurts, but to focus on building a new life and on attracting more positive relationships and experiences. I will always love my ex and I wish him the best. I have come to understand some of the reasons for his infidelity. My story has a happy ending as I have found a new relationship based on honesty and commitment. He's a widower, and no stranger to the hard knocks of life. "Time heals a lot of wounds" is one of his favorite sayings. Time and forgiveness, I would add. 

Laurel E. Hunt, celebrating the love of dogs at www.laurelhuntbooks.com 

It's so amazing to me how life experiences shape our beliefs and wisdom. I realized the other day that I'm actually thankful to have had these experiences so that I could learn from them.

Thanks so much for the comments and sharing. I really value the contribution to the thought process. :)

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

It's hard to really consider infidelity when you have no experience to base your decision on. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

Fantastic post! I can't say how I would react, but I know in the past I would be black and white. But now with kids and limitless forgiveness for them, why couldn't I afford the same to my husband?

Another movie that has stuck with me is Howard's End. Emma Thompson's swallows her pain and pride after hearing about her husband's affair. When I saw it when I was young, I thought she was an idiot. Now that I'm older, I see her as incredibly strong.

Angela at mommy bytes ( http://www.mommybytes.com )
BlogHer Contributing Editor in Mommy & Family Cribsheet

I, too, used to think that infidelity was black-and-white. If it happened to me, I would leave. Then I, too, had a situation where I found out I'd been cheated on, but it wasn't until after the guy and I had already broken up. And now, yes, I feel like there are probably more nuances to why people do what they do (and I, too, was moved by that scene in "Sex and the City" and what the character Steve brought up). But I certainly hope I never have to make that choice, either.

Excellent post, Liz.

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My grandmother forgave my grandfather after many years that he left her alone with 8 children.

He cameback to grandma's house, because his lover died and  he was ill.

She took him with a lot of love, but to a separate room.

I believe she did it more for her grandchildren who did not know all the details of the infidelity.

You see she worked at two jobs to raise her 8 children, married them all and provided housing for the 8 of them. Then is when grandpa showed up I was 7 years old, and I always believed they were a very happy couple, when I became 19 years old a cousin told me that true story and my mother confirmed the story.

It is hard to forgive, you need to work a lot to repair the relantionship, only love and time can help.

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But it takes a lot of work. What I've seen in couples who work at forgiving infidelity is that for a while the "vicitm" has a lot of resentment for the person who cheated and it comes out in lots of passive aggressive behavior when they try to cover that resentment up. I guess the question would be did they really forgive or do they want to forgive but can't seem to do it. 

And part of what may be at play is knowing when you've got a serial cheater versus a significant other who made a mistake and genuininely regrets it. But rebuilding the trust is where most people fall down.

Provocative post, Liz.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

This is a really thoughtful post! I've thought my way along a similar path and one thing that two speakers I heard on this mentioned over and over again is that the key to forgiveness, of any sort, but especially of infidelity is acknowledging that "it could have been me". Like you said, great people still make mistakes, but once we put ourselves above someone saying, "I would never do that" all possibility of true forgiveness is gone. Obviously the other key to the whole situation is the sincere apology and desire to re-commit to the relationship from the person who was unfaithful. 

In Between Words

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