My Experience With Post Pardum Depression

I gave birth to my son in August of 2013 so, he is quite a year old yet. I noticed immediately after having him that something wasn't right but, I ignored it and tried to go about my life raising my three children. That December, I went from being a fulltime caregiver to my grandmother who has Alzheimer's Disease, to getting a home of my own and living my own life. I was already depressed because I had to leave my nanny, whom I'd been living with since birth.  My family thought it was better for me to be on my own in case something happened to my nanny and I ended up having to be the one to find her while being there alone with my three children.  The father of my two youngest moved in with me, which probably wasn't a good idea from the start. He was a heavy drinker and had just recently overcome a battle with meth use. I wanted that perfect family so, I was determined to do everything that I could to make things work. That was the farthest from what happened. Things only got worse for me. I ended up losing my job at the nursing home because he was too busy worrying about where his next drink was going to come from instead of taking care of his children so that I could work. I never drank and if I did, it wasn't enough to affect anything. I picked up a beer one night though, and I realized that I loved the numbness that it gave me. One drink turned into two, which turned into four, which turned into six and I found myself drinking every night. I was also prescribed Ambien to help me sleep at night and Ativan for anxiety. Whenever I had these medications, which wasn't often at this point, I would end up drinking on top of them. Me and my boyfriend would get into horrible arguments and I had anger built up that was more than I'm capable of describing. He was also horrible to my oldest daughter, who was from my previous marriage.

One particular night, we were having a family get together. I was just next door to my grandmother's after all, and she was gone to my aunt's for the weekend. Earlier that evening, I went by the liquor store and bought some of that Strawberry Margarita that was already mixed with the Jose Cuervo. I took my first drink around 6 that afternoon and by 8, I was already very intoxicated. I walked next door to my grandmother's where my family was grilling and I was dancing around with family and having a good time. At a certain point, I ended up blacking out because I don't remember certain things that I was told. All I know is, I was told that I went to eat some of the seafood breader (don't ask me why) and my boyfriend came up and told me to stop. Now, me being intoxicated already, this made me very angry. I started arguing with him. Eventually, my cousin walked me back to my house with my girls and my son. My son went straight to bed, but my girls stayed up. I remember my boyfriend coming in and saying something to me. I started arguing with him again. I'm not sure what all happened at this point either but, the next thing I knew was that my girls had already gone back over to my cousins. I was later told that they did this because they were scared of me.  I decided that maybe if I took a bath, I would be ok. Again, that wasn't the case at all. I remember getting angrier and angrier the longer that I was in the tub. I text my boyfriend, who was outside at the bonfire, and told him that I was fixing to drown myself and the baby. I still find this outrageous to this day because, I would never do anything to my children and anyone that knows me would tell you that I'm a wonderful mother even if I'm nothing else.  He comes in the house shortly after that and we start a screaming battle again. I keep trying to tell him that I'm not going to do anything to the baby and that I just want him to come inside and everything will be ok. He goes to the bedroom, takes the baby out of his bed, and tell me that he's taking him next door to my cousins house. I jumped in front of him and locked the door, trying to keep him from taking the baby anywhere. He keeps telling me that if I don't move, he's going to hit me, but I keep on trying to push him back. He ends up punching me in the chest, which causes me to lose all of the air in my body and I had to choice but to bend down at that point. I get my cellphone and I call 911 and tell them what's going on so, they're in the process of sending a police officer out to my house. In the meantime, I start taking all of my boyfriends stuff and throwing it out onto the porch, along with breakables that I was slinging onto the porch and busting into pieces. I look outside and I see that my mom has pulled up at my grandmother's house. She lives in Newberry by the way, which is about an hour and a half away. I'm wondering how she even got involved in this in the first place. I see that she's walking towards my house and she has something in her hand. That something ends up being a belt. She comes in and starts screaming at me. We're still by my back door which has the washer and dryer on each side as you walk in.  She starts swinging the belt at me and is screaming, "You tried to kill my grandkids". She's referring to the car accident that happened the day before due to me being exhausted from the ice storm we'd had for the previous 2 days. I'm wondering how she knows about this also, becuase I hadn't talked to her in quite some time. She keeps swinging and screaming at me. I'm trying to tell her that if she doesn't stop, I'm fixing to seriously hurt her. I had just put my hand around her throat whenever my cousin, of all people, shows up at the door and starts to yell at me for the way I'm talking to my mom. We get into an argument and she ends up picking me up by my throat (she's not a little woman by any means) and choke slams me onto my back porch.

About five minutes later, if that, the police show up and my mom and cousin rush over and start their rants and raves. The cop pulls me off to the side and asked me to tell my side of the story, so I did. He asked me if I wanted to get help and I told him yes. By this time, half of my immediate family was there. I was placed inside the back of the cop car and taken to the local emergency room for an evaulation. About 4 am, I was sent to Aurora, where I stayed for for the next five days. I had to go through couseling and talk with doctors and attend groups. Even though I was an adult, I wasn't able to be released until my family thought that it was ok for me to come home. During my stay, I found out that my cousin was the one who called my mom that night and lied to her by saying that I wrecked my car the day before to intentionally kill my children. I had a blood drug test done while I was at the emergency room and not one drug was found in my system. I barely had an alcohol level by the time the test was taken also.  My worse nightmare was only beginning though. I got home and was trying to make up for the time I'd missed with my children whenever we heard a knock at the door. It was DSS. I felt like everything that'd I'd worked so hard to accomplish over that past week was just being flushed down the toilet at this point. The lady was nice. She sat down and asked me questions and got me to tell my story. She then explained to me that I was being put under investigation and that I couldn't be around my children without being supervised. This lasted about a month and a half. I had to call my mom and step dad to come and get them. The whole situation was just horrible. I did everything that they told me to do though. It just seemed like they were treating me like I beat my kids everyday but, the ones who were actually beating their kids everyday were getting let off so easily. The case ended up being closed because it was nonfounded. There's been bad days since then but, there's definitely been more good than bad. I make sure to call my doctor if I start feeling depressed. I made the choice to get my tubes tied since my depression seemed to be getting worse with each pregnancy. My boyfriend has been sober for about 4 months now. We still have our issues but, they're nothing like they use to be and we're slowly getting things together. I advise any new mother to seek help if you're feeling depressed for days and weeks on end. It can get worse and the outcome of my situation could've ended up really bad, had I not got the right kind of help in time. Talk to someone, seek that help. No one is going to think you're crazy. No matter what type of thoughts you're having, tell someone about them. Prevent the issues before it even becomes an issue. I missed so much precious time with my children because I didn't seek help,  whenever I knew that I needed it.



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