- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
Bedtimes have never been easy for me. My Mom always says that since childhood I have "always had a hard time letting the day go". I was a really creative, energetic kid. I loved making art projects, building things, reading books and playing imaginary games. There was always so much stuff I wanted to do. I never wanted to go to bed. If there was more of the day left I wanted to keep experiencing it. Also, I was a bit afraid of sleep. What scared me most was the idea that I was losing control of my body, that it was slipping into the unknown, an unconscious state. I blame part of this fear on Catholicism. "If I should die before I wake"--although my family wasn't really religious, that prayer always scared the crap out of me. A lot of nights I would lie awake in bed fearing that moment of letting go. I'd figure out a million reasons to get up out of bed: another glass of water, another 5 trips to the bathroom, did I remember to brush my teeth? These behaviors just increased my anxiety. I'd start to worry that I hadn't fallen asleep yet and that I'd be tired for school in the morning. Because of my nocturnal activities I'd often wake up with puffiness and little dark circles under my eyes. I was deeply ashamed of my puffy eyes (which seemed way worse to me as a 7 or 8 year old than they probably ever were) because I felt like all the other kids could read on my face that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't normal, that I didn't get as much sleep as a kid my age should. Worst of all I felt like my behavior was out of my control.
As an adult I still sometimes have problems setting down at night or as my Mom says "letting the day go". It doesn't help that I actually really enjoy night time--especially living in a big city, things are quiet and peaceful at night. This is the time of the day I love to read and write in my journal. I have learned to control my behavior to a certain extent so that I can sleep better. I usually read before bed until my eyes are starting to close. Unless I'm extremely stressed about something or have had an excessive amount of caffeine that day, once I'm in bed I tend to stay in bed.
With that said, something changed about 2 years ago. My bedtime anxiety seems to be much less frequent but, when I do have anxiety it is MUCH MUCH WORSE. Instead of just getting up a few times before settling down to sleep, I'll lie there wide awake, unable to sleep at all. My heart will start beating loudly and quickly. And if things get really bad, my whole body will get this horrible shaky feeling, like my nervous system has gone into overdrive and every nerve is firing at the same time. If I actually manage to get any sleep, I wake up feeling pretty horrible. But, still I'll force myself to get up and do whatever I need to do, large espresso beverage in hand.
The worst part: this ONLY happens when I have something important to do the next day (an interview, an early flight for a business trip, starting a new job). My anxiety only happens on these specific occasions and only before bedtime.
During the day time I never get anxiety attacks. I pretty much take things as they come and go about my day. I don't get nervous about going to social events, meeting new people or public speaking. People often tell me that I'm "laid back" (I guess I'm a better actress than I thought). I don't want people to think there is something wrong with me so I keep my experiences with anxiety to myself.
I wish I could be one of those people who just rolled over, turned off the light and went to sleep. I always thought that that type of person would be the best kind of person to be. It has rarely been this simple for me. When I hear stories of people like Michael, taking extreme measures to fall asleep (ie having a doctor inject you with an anesthetic), I GET THAT. I've been there. Sometimes I just want someone to KNOCK ME OUT.
I've tried to pinpoint
