My Grandmother Needs a Boyfriend.

This is Janet:

She recently got divorced from a man who considers himself my grandfather. We won’t refer to him from this point on but just know he’s a stinky, stinky poo poo face to put it maturely. Now back to Janet. She needs a boyfriend and when I say “boyfriend” I mean a man who is 60 to 80 years of age, is filthy stinking rich and has spent his life yearning for a granddaughter to spoil and bequeath all his riches to. Oh and he has to have a yacht. I figure, dear readers, you’d be the best lot to help me find such a man considering you’re social media savvy (Hey, you know what the internet is! That’s a pretty big deal) and you want to see pictures of my ass in designer jeans. So let’s work together and make this happen by leaving me links to Grandma's future boyfriend. Find an article about some old rich dude saving a cat out of a tree? Post the link. Find a picture of some old rich dude shaking another old rich dude’s hand? Post the link. Find some old rich dude muttering to himself on your front stoop? Send him UPS! Okay, don’t do that. I need him in one piece (and yeah that was a blatant kick in the nuts to UPS who dropped my first Macbook Pro en route to my house. Oh we shall lock horns UPS. We shall lock horns). Now let me tell you a little bit about Janet. I have a feeling you’re going to be “shit your pants” impressed:

  • Janet enjoys reading, visiting the library and asking her granddaughter 1.2 million times if she’ll take pictures of her sticky, screaming baby in the new outfits she bought her.
  • She has been known to frequent Best Buy, ask the manager a million questions about the new Ebook reader and then let him know that it would be a cold day in hell before she actually bought anything from that store and he should be ashamed of himself. Just because.
  • Janet is a working woman and doesn’t have time to play Miss Susie Homemaker. She does however have time to vocally ponder the meaning of life and initiate a conversation with you while you’re painstakingly trying to write a blog post, change a diaper, perform open heart surgery, etc.
  • Janet likes church. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
  • Janet used to have a dog that was Satan incarnate (RIP Lady) so she’s not against housing feral animals if the situation calls for it.
  • If you need constant narration during a movie you’re watching for the first time and you’d like someone to ask you twenty times over “Who’s that guy with the gun?” even though you have no flipping clue who the guy with the gun is and have taken the time to express this vocally, Janet’s your girl.
  • Janet has her grandson-in-law on speed dial for any of her auto/computer/”have I taken my meds today?”needs so she’s incredibly wordly.

So there you have it. My grandmother. Not too shabby for an oldie but goodie. She’s smart, easy on the eyes and has been known to get into a number of verbal altercations with Best Buy employees. I guess she gets it from her granddaughter. Now go find me a rich granddady! *No Grandmas were harmed in the making of this blog post. In fact she keeps asking me when I'm finally going to post about her need for a boyfriend so she can finally find love...and money.*



Ericka Clay, Writer

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