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This will be the hardest post I will ever have to write. While not only is my heart aching and hurting, but the words that I need to flow out like water, are stuck. But I will do my best.
Some of you know this information already - those of you who are the best friends that we both needed to lean on and hold us up, and our immediate family of parents and siblings. We have tried to find a way to best share this news with everyone we love and for us, the easiest way to do this is to share it on our own terms, right here.
Blain and I are getting a divorce... *Bryan is gay. .
And while the shock will come to you as greatly as it did to me, you should know that there is no hardship between us, no anger, no resentment and nothing ordinary about the proceedings from here on out regarding our separation. The reason is much deeper than unhappiness - because we were happy. We were and always have been incredibly happy. But sometimes happiness isn't enough. And you can't life a lifetime in a lie.
Sunday night he faced the most difficult thing he's ever had to do, and told his wife that he is gay. And always has been. That for the 12 years we have been together, he's fought this confusing feeling of attraction between me and men. He tried to make me be enough. That I would and could be enough. But when you continue to push back the truth and try and hide it, the ball of fire in your gut becomes uncontrollable. It eats you alive.
And I know what most of you are thinking - we were trying to have a baby. We were. He wanted that. He wanted so much to have a family and have this dream with me. But while he was trying to make that dream happen, he was fighting off and denying who he really was. He only admitted to himself for the first time that he was gay not too long ago. And has been battling with how to tell me, the only woman he has ever loved, about who is is.
And he couldn't bring himself to do it ... because he knew it would shatter my world. And shattering my world was so horrible to him, he would have rather kept lying to himself and keeping this to me. I don't think I can fathom a deeper understanding of unconditional love.
My amazing and wonderful husband is still the person he always has been. He is stll my best friend. I still love him unconditinoally, regardless of his sexual orientation. He has an amazing heart and the best personality. But our relationship from here on out is no longer in a marriage. He will always be my best friend. He always has been.
*Bryan and I had twelve amazing years together, six and a half being married to one another. If I had to do this again and know that I'd be here today, finding out that my husband was gay, I wouldn't change a thing. I haven't lost anything. I've gained everything. I haven't lost years in any sense of the word - I've spent twelve wonderful years filled with love and laughter with my best friend.
And now, we are working on the next step. Moving on. Moving out.
