my husband has aspergers, but today he's being a jerk
my husband has aspergers, but today he's just being a jerk.
My twenty five year old husband has diagnosed aspergers. but despite this he leads a fairly normal life. at fourteen when he was presented with his diagnosis and was told "you will never have a job, friends get married or have children" he got angry. he decided that no matter how much work he had to put in he would be just like everyone else. and apart from a few issues he succeeded. while he still hasn't managed to hold down a job as yet we are married and have one beautiful daughter who loves her daddy very much and another on the way. i love my husband. but today he's just being a right jerk.
he hasn't spoken to me since last night. he refused to eat the food i made for dinner or drink either of the coffee's i made. he hasn't looked at me or said a word to me. i'm not really sure exactly what i did but he either listened in to a conversation i was having on the phone or mad that i got mad when he threw the house phone.
and of course he won't tell me what i did either. this morning he waited till both my daughter and i went for a nap and then left the house. i have no idea where he is. (ok i could guess but i don't know for sure.)i can't contact him.
his family take this and say things like "have patience " and "he can't help it. its just his aspergers" and i'm standing here and calling BULLSH!T! he hasn't lived at home since before his diagnosis and they are of the opinion that he is 'broken' and can't be 'fixed'. (i say he's not broken he's fine the way he is) i alone have lived with my husband for the last three years. i know the in's and the out's of all his 'limitations' . i know how to move around them.weave around them and such. but a large amount of the behaviour he displays that i have a problem with is just him being an ass.
before i met my husband i trained as an integration aide. i've wanted to work with autistic children since i read a book about it when i was quite young. i loved my work (volunteer work no one would hire a 19 year old integration worker with no experience). and just to clarify my husband was not one of my clients.
i have seen many disorders with many levels of difficulty. i have also seen beautiful children with wonderful personalities. and unfortunately i have seen children with not so great personalities.we are told that we should see the person not the disability. and i recognise this in a way that many do not. disabled people have personalities just like anyone else. they have up's and downs as well as good day's vs bad. they have likes and dislikes as well as triggers or obsessions. they can be kind,caring, compassionate as well as bitchy, silly or just have a bad attitude. i cannot speak for all and i do not wish to. i also do not mean to offend feel free to correct me. but i have found on many occasions that while a disability may affect every aspect of someone's life it does not define who they are. they are their own person.
i've had people tell me i should never disagree with my husband because i'm only arguing with his aspergers. or that it doesn't matter what he says or does if i get mad i'm in the wrong because he's broken and he can't help that. often these people don't really know him they don't know our relationship dynamics and most of them think i'm some kind of insane person for being with him in the first place. i know when i'm arguing with his aspergers and i know when he's being a jerk.
when he is so stressed he can't eat that is aspergers. when he gets frustrated in public because he can't get something done or someone can't understand him. that is aspergers. when i have to spend three hours to get him out of bed. that is aspergers. when i occasionally have to refereee or interpret for him to my family or other people. that is aspergers. when i have to explain to him over and over the family dynamics and how it works in my family with conversation. that is aspergers. when he really can't understand why i need to know where he is going that is aspergers.
HOWEVER. when he calls me stupid lazy fat ass b1tch during an argument he's being a jerk.when he sleeps till generally 10 am every day (before i wake him) and i only get a sleep in once a week then he is being a jerk. when he gives me the cold shoulder, refuses to answer even yes no questions and sleeps on the couch because he knows these things trigger me. then he's being a royal ass.
so please when i say my aspergers husband is being a jerk. offer me a cookie not a lecture. :)
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