My infertility struggle begins again...

Ughh... here I go again. It's 254 am and my normal bedtime of 11 pm has since passed. I've begun this obsessive research mode that I can't seem to break.

 

See, my husband and I have decided to go thru fertility treatments. We just recently got married but, I have already been thru this once before with my first husband. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that he and I never conceived as it didn't work out but, it still doesn't lessen my fears or anxiety.

 

My diagnosis is "tubal factor". When I went thru all the testing before they stated my tubes weren't attatched to my ovaries and a lot of deformities were in place. Being so young, whatever the Dr. told me was golden. I thought for sure once they figured it out, I would soon become pregnant.

 

My first mistake was going thru all of this at a military hospital. I never knew who was seeing me this week, they never knew my name and I was just "work" to them. At the time I didn't care but, now that I look back, I should have been more selective with the care I was receiving.

 

I went thru several exams, a couple procedures and surgeries and 6 IUI assisted with Clomid,HCG and FSH. ( I think I got that all correct). After the last one, I just couldn't handle it anymore. The emotional let down of that negative pregnancy test was devastating down to my very last fiber. I just gave up and was happy not being pregnant, if I wasn't trying.

 

I laid in bed every night praying until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore, changing every bad habit I had and repenting for anything I had done in past. This became my big issue with "God" and religion. See, a few days after one of my negative tests I hear a girl had a full term baby on base and put it in a dumpster. I mean, how did she qualify but, yet I didn't? I was married and would have provided the upmost care for any child I was blessed with. However, she gets the gift and throws it all away? Who decides who gets to have children? Who's cruel decision took it away from me but, wasted it on her?  I spent the last 11 years of my life spitting on anything that had to do with God or religion. I had faith, I was good, I was following all the rules and had the heart of a lion yet, I was not good enough. It was very tough to work thru. I still have issues to this day but, I'm slowly coming around.

 

A majoy key to my "turn around" was in May of 2008.

 

I was in our room laying on the bed one afternoon and had a terrible pain in my side. It took me at least 45 minutes before I could get myself off the bed to do something about it. I had the strangest suspicion I might have an ectopic pregnancy. Now, I haven't taken a pregnancy test since 1999, or 2000. I never once felt the need to. So, I got myself together, went to Wal Mart, grabbed curtains and a pregnancy test and headed home. Not really thinking much, I just peed on the stick and as I was pulling it from between my legs to put the cap on, BOTH lines were already pink. I was like, "Oh this is a joke". So I took another one, it was positive too.

 

Now I am in complete shock. 1, I'm pregnant, they told me it wouldn't happen, 2. I've got a fairly new relationship and I told him I couldn't conceive. 3, I'm completely unpreparied. No insurance, nothing really. My now husband comes home and I sit him on the couch. I'm crying, pretty hysterically. I proceed to tell him I'm pregnant (remember I'm thinking its ectopic and surgery is coming). As I am telling him this, there is a rainbow in our front yard. Irrelevant to my post but, it was kind of a shocking, magical moment.

 

I call the Dr. explain to them my situation and they got me immediately . They were afraid of the pain etc. The next day I get the call. I was completely prepared for them to tell me about it being ectopic and that I would have to terminate it. I was very calm, cool and collective as the Dr. said,"It's a completely normal pregnancy, you are about 8 weeks."

 

Still in shock, I hung up the phone and we tried to maintain the day and what we would do. I made it a few weeks and then the pregnancy was no more. It was at about 10 weeks. I didn't know if I was sad or just happy that I COULD get pregnant. This started my desire for a child all over again. All that Mommy blues that I had tucked deep inside surfaced again.

 

Now we are marrid and he has a 5 year old son. We are attempting to get insurance coverage for IVF and hoping we can start right away. Our Dr's appt is 3/31 and today is the 21st. I just can't stop reading, researching doctors, insurance, success rates and all that jazz. I'm trying not to be obsessed but it's SO hard.

 

I thought I'd join here and write down some of my thoughts, maybe to clear the space in my head for sleep, if anything.

 

I'll keep it up. Wish us luck, we really want a family. I'll be back with more later..

 

Anxiously awaiting to see those two lines on the test...

SC

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