My Life 5 years After My Weight Loss Surgery

In 2009 I had RNY weight loss surgery.  I had gotten to the point where, if I didn't, I would have started cutting body parts off.  My own belief is that I had taken my metabolism down to zero through constant refusal to eat and eating less and less.  I exercised like a hour on a fully inclined treadmill at 3mph, stairstepper for 30 minutes followed by weights...and nothing happened. 
Not even an ounce.
So...after careful thought and a long discussion with my doctor, I went through all the hoops I had to and I had RNY surgery in June 2009.
By January 2010, I had reached my goal.  I had gone from 218 (I am 5'5") to 140.  BUT...I continued to lose.  I went down to 108 by the end of 2011.  I had trouble eating after the surgery...and even after the healing period.  I ate a lot of cheese and pickles.  Meat and I broke up for a while since it made me sick and was too dense.  I drank 2-3 protein shakes a day and supplemented with what food I could eat.  Sugar made me want to die.
I even made Magic My Way when I climbed over tables to get out of the Wave Restaurant in Disney World (picture The Wedding Singer only worse) only to yack up a blueberry and having the washroom attendant ask if I had someone with me.
Yeah, it was THAT bad.
At my lowest I was 108 and walking 1 1/2 miles to work each way every day.  I was eating a lot more and got comfortable with bread which I think was a big mistake.  I was living in Israel and fruit and vegetables were cheap and plentiful so I ate a lot of that.  The worst part was that 108, I didn't see anything wrong.  I wore a size 26 pants and could fit into girls size 12 clothes.  Life, in my mind, was good.  I was a success.
Fast forward to now.  I have gone through emotional hell in the last two years.  I am back in the US (but wish I was in Israel), engaged to a wonderful man, raising my 21 year old who has autism and a HUGE personality and up to a hefty 140 according to MY scale and 150 according to my doctor's scale and THAT is 4# less than what I weighed two months ago.
The truth?  The bare honest truth?  I am FREAKING about my weight.  I had to buy size 12 pants.  I am back in size 10 but still, size 10????  I feel fat and I see myself and see the 218 pound me and not the me where I am at now.  Yes, I have a problem and I go to therapy is what it is.
I know that I don't exercise now.  Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety and fear of people has made me a recluse.  I do do yoga which makes me move at least.  I have severe hypoglycemia, epilepsy, migraines and borderline personality disorder (I think it should be more accurately called Emotional Intensity Disorder) which don't really help to get me outside and moving.
I mean I live in a great neighborhood now.  It's flat with lots of streets.  There's a park with basketball hoops, and I have an available basketball partner in my son 24/7.  I installed the Couch to 5k app on my phone and even put all my music into playlists but I still can't get myself outside.
I freak about gaining weight and often just don't eat.  Or if I eat it's the wrong stuff like saltines, peanut butter sandwiches, pasta and not enough protein.  I know if I'd go back to my previous diet from after surgery or follow a ketogenic diet, I'd lose weight but I just can't get into it.  I don't know why.
And my panic continues.  I weight myself after every event in the bathroom looking for a loss or at the very most, not a gain.  The worst part of all is that I KNOW what I need to do - exercise and get more protein, and I still just can't.
It's true.  Something has to change or I'll be in this hell forever.  Still, if I had the choice, I would do it all over again.  The benefits far outweight the disadvantages, even the severe hypoglycemia which, actually, is EASILY controlled on the ketogenic diet.  
I just need to find my inner mojo that made me act in the first place back in 2009 to make myself sane now in 2014 over this.
<a href="">Look At The Flowers Lizzie</a>

 The life and times of a bark eating, tree hugging, carbon footprint reducing, SOURCE sandal wearing, Autism Zone living, readin', writin', knittin', bare


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