My love for Self Checkout's is destroying me...but it feels so good!

I am not exactly sure your feelings on grocery shopping, but overall I despise it. The only time I can remember enjoying it in the slightest bit was when I was carrying each of my three children and was hungry twenty-four hours a day. Depending on the particular store you choose to shop you have the option to check yourself out or bag your own groceries. If there is one task I have to name as enjoyable about the whole adventure it would be to scan and bag my own groceries. Especially if I am buying a large amount of food to stock our pantry. I am one of those people who love self checkouts, even though when I do them it drives my husband completely nuts. When he begins to argue my request to do them, I simply use the excuse its quicker then standing in that line and waiting….I can totally do this by myself no problem, with time to spare at the end. Secretly, I know half the items we are purchasing either wont even scan or I picked up the one piece of fruit without a bar code on it.

Nevertheless, I approach the small checkout kiosk breathing nothing but confidence, carrying myself like I invented the register and looking at my husband as if  I am a veteran cashier. As I begin checking out the process is going smoothly, I am scanning with one hand, bagging with the other. I was multi-tasking like a programmed robot, no one could touch me. I look towards my husband with a smirk and thought *yah…you wish you were me* when suddenly my item wouldn’t scan.  The soothing beat of the beep had stopped. I looked down and noticed the bar-code was so tiny there was no way that red laser could read it. I calmly began entering the code manually, only for it to be wrong. My second attempt in entering it resulted in an error causing the glowing light pole above the register to turn from a calming green to a panic red shade, notifying the associate on duty that I have no idea what I am doing. After they correct it I proceed to ignore my husbands annoying sighs and eye rolls. Continuing on I notice the bagging area filling up rapidly. Sweat beads begin to collect on my forehead as thoughts race across my mind. ” I cant take any bags off or the scale will think I am stealing, maybe if I stack the sacks one on top of the other it wont set off any suspicious signals to the associate I am peering out of the corner of my eye at.  She was sensing something I could feel it, eyeing her computer screen watching my every purchase just waiting for me to fail. OH NO I have a gallon of milk and a case of water still, there is no way they will fit on the scale. I guess it wont hurt to press the “skip bagging” button once…ok, maybe twice I have the milk to ….WRONG!” Now I have done it, the words “Associate Needed” comes across the screen..seriously again? What did I do to deserve this embarrassment  looking over at my husband again he is mumbling ” I told you so” over and over again, as if my anxiety level wasn’t already rising at a staggering rate. The associate was over in seconds, she confidently steps in front of me with her arm firmly out as if it was armor protecting me from an attack. Swiping her sweet card bungied to her neck so lightning fast I would have thought it was going to spontaneously combust. Seconds later her arm came down, she stepped aside, and all was safe and calm in self checkout land once more. At least until I attempt this task again in the future, and I can venture to guess I definitely will!

See, although my husband thinks I am an absolute nut job for even wanting to check myself out when I can just stand there and have someone do it for me..for nothing. I however have a completely different outlook on it all. As soon as I step foot in front of that scanner I transform into a master cashier with somewhat of a swag to my stance, I organize, scan and bag my items to my exact liking. You cant get that for free! Now there is another version of self bagging gone horribly wrong. All I have to say is Winco. If you know what I am talking about you will follow this scenario knowing exactly what I mean. Paint this picture.

Full cart of groceries, 3 kids (fighting about what snack they get to eat in the car when they should all know that the first place we go after spending $200 on groceries is Taco Bell…I mean come on) and it is time to checkout. I begin to lay items on the belt as if they were hot potatoes, cans being juggled out of the cart Vegas style..ok ill get real… Gangnam style, all while my two year old is robbing the candy shelf within her reach and loading the belt as well. As I see the groceries stacking up on the end of the belt I begin to panic.  I have to load, bag, and babysit the entire time. Two more families pull their carts in behind me awaiting their turn at the challenge. I NASCAR it to the other end of the belt once the cart is empty and begin bagging. Even though I am in a hurry I am trying to get cans with cans, box’s placed tightly in the bags, and keeping all cold items together…pretty soon that plan gets thrown out of the window as I am falling behind and the checker keeps looking at me as if I were standing still. Hurling all kinds of items in the bags, no rhyme no reason, cheese, meat, bagels, chili…whatever gets the job done so I can clear my belt so the family behind me will stop looking at my kids and I as if we were a new species.

Contemplating both scenarios in my head I cant help but smile and laugh at the fact I will repeat this process and crazy need to become a cashier/professional bagger every time I go get groceries. How do you handle these situations?



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