Q. My boyfriend gets off on sex in dangerous situations. Blow-jobs while he’s driving fast.  Sex in public -in rough neighborhoods.  Like that. 

I admit at first it thrilled me. He’s so intense, sexy and daring.  Good looking as shit, too.  Now the thrill is wearing off because it doesn’t seem worth taking risks like this. I can’t get off because I’m afraid we’re going to crash, or get into a really dangerous situation. Which seems to excite him more, that I’m scared. 

This is the thing. I really love sex with him. I don’t want to be the boss of him, either, or tell him what he should do. But the danger factor is really wrecking me. He says that the adrenaline rush makes sex better and he can’t get off without it. He thinks I’m being a killjoy and a wuss, which so I guess I am, but I can’t help it. 

I know that getting worked up and excited over risk is part of some people’s eroticism, but is real danger like this ‘normal’? I hate to rain on his parade. It just isn’t sitting right with me.


 A. A little daring, risqué behavior, and endangering your life and the life of others, are two very different things, Carin. 

It speaks volumes about his profound disregard for your welfare, for his own, and for that of other people that he insists on creating these life-threatening situations, and I assure, it’s not a healthy expression of sexuality -or really, of sexuality at all. His pathological craving for danger is self-destructive, and he’s dragged you into the undertow. Trust your instincts and get out of it right away. Swim for your life in the other direction. 

You can find another partner you love sex with who respects your wellbeing and feelings, Carin, believe me. Your partner should look out for you, not scare and endanger you.

If you can’t let go of this guy, then you have to ask yourself what part of you is invested in destructive behavior. The first step is to say a definite NO to acting it out. 

Take a ProTip: there is a world of intense, daring, thrilling, hot sex waiting for you that is not based on self-negation or disregard for human life. Don’t get side-tracked by a nightmare when there is so much more fun to be had following other, genuinely sex-affirmative avenues. 

Get on track, girlfriend! Hear? 


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Shain Stodt is the founder of Informed About Sex, and the founder/moderator of the Facebook page Radical Women Talk Sex. A Sex Educator (IASHS), author, and community activist,  Shain became involved in sex education with the New York Women's Center, where she worked as a volunteer in the Abortion and Birth Control Outreach project and lectured on sex education in the public school system. Shain also developed sexuality workshops for the Women's Center and other feminist organizations, and hosted a local cable program on sexual issues in New York City. She lives in North Carolina.

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