My Mom and my Little Bella Rose

May 8th 2009 I received an urgent phone call from my older sister, she was calling me from the hospital. She had mentioned to me in a previous conversation that my mom was ill but would be fine. My mom was getting older; she was not able to get around anymore, only with the help of a wheelchair. Her dementia was becoming worse, but she did have some good days. Lately she kept trying to move around on her own, only to fall and hurt herself, so somebody had to be with her at all times. Thinking this was one of those times, I grabbed some clothes and necessities, for me and my then 8 month old.  Thinking well I’m just going to head on over and spend the weekend with my mom. She would be happy especially seeing my baby, as I was also her baby. As I stopped to put gas in the car before heading out, I returned my sisters phone call. It was the most painful phone conversation that I had. As my sister answered her voice didn’t sound right, somewhat concerned I said how is mom? There was this pause on the other line, I became more concerned. I finally heard her let out a breath. My mom is sick come now, we are at the hospital. I replied I was on my way but what was wrong; she took another deep breath, then replied, they think its cancer. I was standing by the car; my oldest daughter then 17 was sitting in the back seat with my grandson and my youngest daughter, her youngest sister. The lights of the gas station seemed to be blinding me, I felt like they were revolving around me. The stench of gas over powered me, I screamed into the phone, well that’s not right, did she fall again? They messed up the test. Next thing I knew my daughter and my boyfriend were both helping me into the car. I looked at my oldest daughter, she was crying uncontrollably. All I could do was say I am on my way. I sat there we lived 2 hours away it was late in the evening. My stomach hurts, when I get to mom’s I am going to make some tea and lay next to her, because she always makes my pain go away. It was a mistake I know it, I just know they made a mistake. Damn doctors they don’t know what they are talking about. My daughter than asked me if I was okay, yes I am fine why do you ask? Mom why are you not crying? The doctors made a mistake; watch when we arrived it will all have been a big mistake. As we drove, all I could think of was this just cannot be happening and those doctors better watch out because as soon as they say everything is fine and to go on home I’m going to let them have it. What seems like hours of driving when we finally neared the hospital, I could see my family some gathered outside the hospital, others inside the waiting area. My oldest son was the first to greet me, mom I am so sorry everybody had tears in their eyes. No, this is all wrong, I walk into the waiting room where I am greeted once again by more family members. I guess I just sat there, when I was finally told to go in and see her. My sister meets me halfway; she informs me that my other two sisters are on their way, both of which live out of state. I looked at her and said are you sure maybe blood work came back wrong. No, taking a deep breath, it’s a tumor on her liver and it is cancer stage 4. There is nothing they can do anymore, we will take her home and keep her as comfortable as possible. I walked away, as I glanced into the room, there she was laying there, I hurriedly popped out of site. I can’t breathe oh my god. I felt like somebody punched me in my stomach, I want to throw up, I hate throwing up I say to myself. I think I swallowed something and know it’s lodged in my throat…wait was I eating something….oh god help me…I can’t breathe! A nurse passes by, she asks are you ok? No, my mom….I know I’m sorry …be strong….No you don’t understand, my chest hurts, why am I sweating so much….my oldest niece walks out of room…Tia ( auntie in Spanish) breathe just breathe ….you know Lita(short name for abuelita) gets sad when you cry. I can’t do it…I can’t. She replies, but she been asking for you. It is Mother’s day weekend and she said you mentioned that you would spend the weekend with her. We have decided not to tell her she has cancer, doctors say with her dementia she may not even remember. We will just try to make her as comfortable as we can and make her days enjoyable ones.  But I know I am old already, but I am her baby, I still need her. She has been through so much she super women; it’s a mistake it has to be. I keep telling myself to breathe…my body hurts why am I hurting so much, why am I dripping in sweat, as I wipe my face I realize I’m crying. No, no, no, this is not happening….As I walk into the room, I feel like my head is going to explode. I think if it does explode I won’t have to deal with watching my mom being sick. She looks my way…..oh my God…give me strength…my heart hurts….of course it does, its broken….it has been shattered into a million pieces. Hi mom, how are you feeling? …is my voice shaky? Can she tell? Where the baby? Her face lighting up the whole room,My mom oh how she loved her grandkids and great grandkids, especially the babies. She would always want to hold them and she would always known to be seen kissing the top fo their little hands.... Oh she is outside with the family, you are spending the weekend with me right? Yes mom I told you, I would, you have me and both my girls and grandson. Oh good, tell the doctors that I’m fine so we can go home now. Yes mom, let’s go home…That weekend was the last Mother’s Day weekend that we shared with my mom and the following month we celebrated her very last birthday … be continued..


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