My Most Attractive Physical Feature Is My Cervix

Even the most modest human being is aware of their more attractive physical features.

Well, most people.

This question has come up multiple times in my life and I haven't been able to give an answer.

I remember watching Love In The Afternoon when I was very young, and I related to Audrey Hepburn's character:

"I'm too thin, and my ears stick out, and my teeth are crooked and my neck is much too long." - Audrey Hepburn

"Maybe so, but I love the way it all hangs together." - Gary Cooper

Gary Cooper's character in this movie should be a motivational speaker to pre-teen girls everywhere. That single line made me realize that as a whole, I made more sense than any single feature.



 I became aware of my shining feature.

My cervix.

This past year I had to go to a number of doctors for a benign hormone issue. And each visit I was greeted with a pelvic exam.

I have never received more compliments on one part of my body in my life!

Doctor 1 (ready with the pap swab): "Well, your last pap was normal, and now looking at your cervix I've decided not to swab you. You cervix is extremely healthy looking. In fact, it is the picture of health!"

Me: Oh no, my cervix is too attractive. You always hear this happens to celebrities and models. Doctors are so mesmerized by their power and beauty that they fail to treat properly. My cervix is blinding their intelligence!

Doctor 2: "No, you don't need a pap smear. Your cervix is beautiful (calls resident over) This is what a healthy cervix should look like - (has her look) Absolutely perfect."

Me: And another doctor has been bewitched by this gorgeous cervix of mine.

Doctor 3: (I actually demanded a pap smear this time, luckily I was due) "It's been three years since your Pap Smear, so I'll give you one for sure, but I'm going to tell you right now it is going to come back normal. You cervix is immaculate."

Me: Jesus' conception and my cervix

Doctor 4:  "Well, your cervix is pristine. Textbook perfect."

Now that I realized I am the owner of a show quality cervix I was ready to parade it around town.

I wanted to give it some head shots, acquire an agent, and enter it in some local pageants.

My large ego was short lived.

My head deflated like a balloon when I realized my best looking feature was in the worst location for public viewing.

Just my luck.

Angelina Jolie has those puckers smack dab on her face.

Same with Liz Taylor's violet eyes and Julia Robert's smile.

Even Marilyn Monroe's body could be seen with (or without) clothes.

The only way someone can admire my prized characteristic is with some stirrups and a speculum.

Don't think that stopped me.

Strangely enough, Hustler and Playboy magazine turned down my pitch for a gynecologically themed spread.

Photographers did not return my calls to make millions off of stock images of my cervix.

And to my dismay, the Guinness Book of World Records did not have a "worlds most attractive cervix" category. (Although, the suggestion has been made)

What is your most attractive physical feature?

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