My "Non-Trial" Marriage

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  • If I don’t change the oil in my car, it will eventually be fucked up.  It will run shittily, start to smoke, make weird noises, slow to a stop and eventually, commit suicide. Come to think about it, my tenth-grade boyfriend died the same way, although I didn’t ride him nearly as hard (insert rim shot here) (I said SHOT!!) Thanks to my guy, I haven’t had to worry about my car in ever. The rule is, he never cooks, and I never do car stuff, and we like it that way and will never try to change it.

  • Vacations do exist outside of the Caribbean and wine does exist outside of a box. Oh, man, have I learned a thing or two about travel, history, culture, language, food, wine and the truly finer things in life from this man. Mexico, Canada, Italy, Switzerland, France, Belgium, Holland and just about every cool-ass city in the grand old U.S. of A has welcomed us with opened arms as we tasted its flavors, sampled its wine and basked in its surroundings and all that it had to offer. We are pilot and co-pilot. Skipper and Gilligan. We have sailed the open seas and toured the open roads and I would never trade a single solitary second of any of those moments, ever, for each one has built me, and helps to make me the person I’m becoming.

  • No matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, he will never stop loving me. He knows what this means. I know what this means. Cryptic? Yes. But this is for him, so you’ll have to deal with it for a second. I am not an easy person. Who just passed out from shock? Message me when you wake, please, so I can punch you in your face for being dramatic. I am vain, I am demanding, and I need to feel appreciated. I want to be treated as an equal, but also want to be put on a pedestal. I want to be wined, dined and… SQUIRREL! I need attention. OKAY WITH THE FAKE PASSING OUT! I need coddling. I want to be told, every day, that I’m beautiful. I like gifts, of the expensive kind, wine, of the any kind, and husbands, who are always kind. I need to feel smart, but never want to stop learning. I want to feel like I’m the only one who ever existed - ever - which is a hell of a lot to ask of anyone. I like diamonds, leather boots, a good arguer and a better listener. Like I said… demanding, and through all of those things and so much more, he has stayed the course of husbandry and he’s worn that badge proudly and bravely, because let me tell you all right now… Barbara Palumbo is NOT and never will be, for the weak at heart.

  • Lastly, he taught me that anything is possible. ‘Nuff said. Never believed it before, but I totally do now. Anything is possible, if you want it, and fight for it hard enough.
  • So today, and I speak to you now, my husband... my Todd... my Toddly. Today I want to thank you for all that you have taught me, and shown me, and been to me, and are to me. And I want to tell you just how much I know you love me; that you have proved it more recently than ever, and that I promise you I will never turn my back on that fact, or on you. Ever. Yes, you didn't get "Wyoming," and yes, that fact is bittersweet to you now for reasons that belong to all of us, but you know what you did get? You got Susan Lucci, Rumpelstiltskin, Bob Guccione, and me. And we're all one big happy family. I hope that's enough.

    I love you. H.


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