my other half.

It struck me as odd that for the longest time since I began to write, I've felt nothing. Nothing to say, no words to describe, no way to even begin to explain the kinds of emotions I've been feeling. No fathomable way to write again. No reason to open up this once closed blog. All up till, probably yesterday. The day I saw him again.

I've told myself I would not be this kind of blogger! No sappy, emo posts. No driveling, disgusting talk of love found and love lost. No, none of that. But then it would probably defeat the purpose of this blog - which is to talk and ramble about whatever comes to mind. And this is definitely on my mind.

There's really no start and end to this story. In a way, it started with a goodbye. It started with a "this isn't working, even after 6 years." I thought it had ended there, but it actually hadn't. I thought maybe it ended last year, but it hadn't. I thought that maybe it ended earlier this year, but it hadn't. In reality, I don't think it ever will end, and I'm not sure why I keep searching in the dark for something that doesn't want to be found.

One particular person put things in perspective for me early this year. That particular person's actions literally obliterated my views on relationships, and how badly they can go. That particular person opened my eyes as to how physically powerful men can be. But there is a silver lining to that story, believe it or not. God put that particular person in my life for a reason, and I now realize that throughout this year it's been agonizingly slowly coming together, only to become accelerated when I saw him again. When I saw him, I felt a little part of me heal.

I've been asking myself "why" ever since, and it dawned on me as we talked and I cried on his shoulder that I've never been whole since I ended the relationship nearly two years ago. After separating, I became a half. A jagged, sharp and reckless version of my former self. I was a half that tried to fit with other halves but it didn't match up. I was a half that was shattered after the incident with that particular person, and I've been struggling to pick up the pieces ever since. 

In retrospect, my life has been a series of short, punctuated bursts of superficial happiness in the near two years since we have separated. I say superficial because that is exactly what everything was - beneath the surface, with little meaning, with little connection. The phrase, "You've left really big shoes to fill" has never resonated with more truth. It's never been more... real.

There is nothing left for me to do at this point but write and write with hopes that it will offer some solace for my thoughts. Thoughts that are slowly coming together, that are starting to define my feelings that I once chose to ignore despite his attempts to convince me otherwise.

I'm happy but I'm sad. I'm sad because I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'm sad because you can only hurt someone so many times. I'm sad because I know I'm going to have to work extra hard. But at the same time I'm happy because I know now that he gave my life direction, and more importantly, meaning. I'm happy because although the road ahead seems full of obstacles, I think I know now which path to take. I've been lost since we went our separate ways, but I've found my way back.

I've found the half I've been looking for. It's been right in front of me this whole time.


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