My Other Hell...Garage Sales...

...BUT when you have thousands upon thousands upon thousands upon hundreds of dollars in lawyer fees and you have crap upon junk upon crap nice things to get rid of, you have a fundraiser garage sale.

We live off the beaten path in our subdivision. If I were to have a garage sale without the curb appeal of the Association Wide Sale then I really wouldn't get a lot of traffic but since the whole neighborhood is doing it - I thought I'd have one too. If there were a bridge they were all jumping off of, I'd probably do that too.

Here's my problem with garage sales. There are groups of people that frequent these things and the most annoying of which seem to matriculate into my space.

For Instance:

Divide and Conquer

I have learned who these people are and I know what to do. I see their van coming (it's always a van) and put out an APB open door leading into the house and yell out for my husband to come help. These people know what they are doing; 2 or 3 of them surround you with questions while their buddy in the background pockets the one thing in your whole sale that is priced over $20.

Hagglers

They try and bargain over everything. Literally, I'll have something marked at $.10 and they want to know if I'll take $.05. NO - I WON'T. I happen to think $.10 is a rather generous price for that frame. Thankyouverymuch.

Note: The only time I like this group is when they try and haggle over Emily's stuff. They ask and I immediately pull her over from our bake sale the lemonade/cookie stand she is operating and ask if she'll take whatever they offered, since she gets all the money from her stuff - would you haggle with a 6 year old? Me neither.

Early Birds

These people have waited outside your home for the past half hour, just waiting for you to open your garage door. They'll walk up and the first thing they will say is "oh, we were just driving by and thought we'd stop."

I don't really mind this group as long as they come to BUY. If they just look and walk away - because I'm not even set up yet - well, kiss mine, is all I have to say about that.

Non-English Speaking Patrons

They come in all blah-blah-blah-blah-blah loco, blah-blah cerveza, blah-blah-blah-blah cinco dinero. And then I'm all blah-blah-blah-blah no cinco, ocho....ocho dinero.

I'm not scared this year though. Emily has been taking Spanish class at school. She'll be all "I can count to 10 in Spanish" and they'll be all "exito, exito!"

Gawkers

They drive by....slow....trying to see if you have anything good. Puh-leease. Of course I don't have anything good, all my good shit is inside. My plan this weekend? Put our broken lawnmower out front. Close enough where they can see we are selling it, but just far enough away that they won't see the sign that says it's broken. Ah-hahahahaha - I'll get em.

The Thief

Dude - I will call the police on you. I am serious. If you find it necessary to steal my garage sale crap, then I will find it necessary to call the a-thor-a-tease on your ass. Bring. It.

Never Good Enough

Although I have the tables strategically lined up so it is obvious what is for sale and what isn't, these people notoriously ask if the tools hanging on the wall behind the tables or the golf clubs back in the corner or the car sitting at the end of the driveway or my daughter sitting next to me is for sale.

NO - seriously, if you can't get to it, it doesn't have a price or a sign next to it or if it came out of my body - it's not for sale. Just because you need a shovel and I have one, doesn't mean you can buy it - unless of course I stand to make a profit - then, we'll talk.

And the worst group of all? The All Of The Above Group

Have I missed any?

Well - if you find yourselves in Northern Indiana this weekend and don't find yourselves in any of the aforementioned groups - contact me. I just might have something you could most certainly live without need.

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