My own personal Titanic...

I
admit it.  I have a pretty bad case of the new mom overwhelmed.  Maybe
it's not even a bad case, it could be a perfectly average case, but
either way it is taking a toll on me.  I've been getting out during the
day, trying to get out with just Sherman, trying to be a part of group
activities with friends, but it's still hard.  I still feel different,
a little isolated, a little confused.

I think its the awesome responsibility of it, especially since I am
breastfeeding.  It comes down to, if I am in the same block as Elijah I
am responsible.  Normally this isn't a huge issue, Dad does great,
Aunts, Grandmothers, and friends can deal with him at his fussiest, but
it is still down to me if he's a real mess.  The fact that he likes me
best is wonderful and sucks at the same time. 

I'm a fixer, and a "don't want to disappointer", along with a
healthy does of "don't want to be any trouble to anyone."  These were
characteristics that caused me a few issues BEFORE I had Elijah, so
with him, well, they get amplified.  I don't deal with them very well
sometimes, other times I am a champ at it.  It's somthing I need to
work on, and probably get some help with, that's in the plan. 

All of this came to a head this week.  We had plans for a sitter and
a party and just good fun for everybody...and Elijah has gone on a
bottle strike.  No bottles, not from anybody, the fury in him rises if
he even sees them.  This of course makes the overnight with Grandma and
Grandpa impossible...along with the night of carefree, responcibility
free party time.  No crazy costume party with friends, not getting
tipsy with the husband, no wild sex in the hallway (oops...that was an
inside my head thought).  So I was bummed, I still am kind of. 

It's funny though, last night I had the mother of all obvious
dreams.  I was on a boat with friends and family, floating along,
having a great time, when I had to get off for a moment.  I looked back
and the boat had left me behind.  Everyone still having a grand time,
they didn't even notice I was gone.  So I jump in a tiny row boat, and
I don't have oars so I am paddleing with my arms, yelling for them to
wait, to turn around!  The people on the shore were telling me I'd
never catch them,to just come back.  I kept paddling until the boat
tipped over, I started swimming half afraid I would drown before I
caught up.  The boat was almost out of sight when I realized my feet
could touch the ground, the water was only a few inches deep.  I got up
and started running, I tripped, and stepped on sharp things, but I was
at the boat in no time, and the family and friends pulled me back on.

Obvious huh...I feel like Im being left behind...like I'm not a part
of the group anymore...but really I just need to focus, and pay
attention, not go crazy.  The boat isn't leaving me, I'm just a little
slow, and it's up to me to get back on, regardless of the missteps.  So
I'm working on it. 

Elijah and I went to story time this morning and met other Moms and
kids.  Other Moms who said they felt so overwhelmed in the first three
months it was hard for them to leave the house.  Other Moms who had
dealt with bottle strikes.  I came home and talked to Karah, who is
lending us her car so we can participate in whatever we can this
weekend.  I got an email from a Grandma telling a story that made me
realize that we are loved regardless of trouble.  I had a visit from
Sherman who ate eggs, and hugged me, and kissed me, and is looking
forward to the weekend. 

I'm going to have bad days, I'll need more help, but at this very
moment I am glad for everyone who is helping to slow down the boat.

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