Dear Body.

The first thing I remember being wrong with you was my belly button. It stuck out. Everytime someone would look at it, they would ask when it was going to go in. Every time I went to Grandma's house, she lifted my shirt to see if it had fixed itself yet.

Then there were the endless stories of how petite and sweet my sister was. She had that wonderful long blond hair and I had the short curly black hair. People always commented about it. Mom could never do anything with it so we kept it short. Her and sis spent oodles of time doing the girl thing with hair and dresses. They gave up on me before I even went to school.

Every few years you would betray me further. Since I wasn't pretty, I wanted to be a tomboy, but I wasn't very coordinated. I wanted to be little like my sis, but I grew these big shoulders and hips. But they are all bone. When I finally wanted to look like a girl, you wouldn't allow me to have breasts. I was shaped like a 14 year old boy most of my life.

I never got to wear a bikini on spring break. My straight torso with my belly button sticking way out past my breasts was too hideous to be seen. And is there a part of my body you haven't covered with black hair? I am so tired of ripping it out.

My college nickname was titless.

When I hit mid age you put fat on my thighs and cellulite. I exercised almost everyday, but you would not burn the fat or build lean muscle. And you would never ever give me fat from the waist up.

My breasts have been called deformed by medical professionals because they never developed. Mamograms, when they can be done, are shame filled humiliating events. The comments never cease.

The worse thing you did to me was to take away the beauty of femininity that was rightly mine. It is rightly every woman's. You gave me all the handicaps and drawbacks of womanhood, pms, fertility....but none of the perks. Even with birthcontrol, I became pregnant 4 times, but did I have an orgasm? Despite multiple lovers and experimentaion, I am not permitted orgasm except by my own hand. Despite precautions, 3 out of 4 children, conceived with my husband, were unwanted, and without pleasure for myself. Why do you deny me pleasure? I loved my husband. I loved watching him receive my gifts. Why will you not allow me to receive them back?

My body is ravaged by the pregnancies you allowed. The thin skin on my stomach is stretched out and sags, my back and feet are permenantly damaged and painful, the skin on my boobless torso hangs....just shriveled up nipples, I sometimes dribble when I run or jump. My life is ruined as well...because you somehow neutralize spermicide and can't handle birth control pills. No man wants me. All the kids make it hard to find time to get out the door and use the pretty solid brain you gaveme. Why give a woman a high iq and high fertility in the same lifetime? I wish I would have cut my uterus out ages ago. I hate you.

I am 46 and my mood swings have never improved. They have changed, but they don't allow me to function as a whole human being all month long.

I will never forgive you for denying me outwardly the appearance of the passionate woman I was supposed to be and longed to be. I will never forgive you for each year, you used my femininity against me, to hurt me, to take away my inward passion as well.

Last night, while reading fiction, once again, the thin, flat chested woman was portrayed as cold, mean and unlikable and the the fiery redhead with the big boobs was admired and portrayed as warm and loving. Even if she was passionate inside, her outside portrayed her. She will not get the love that normal women do, and it will dry her up, despite her efforts.

Today I face the world, unloved, disrepected, and it all started with you.

I call myself dishthehappyfish because of the one gift you gave me, love of water. I can swim forever. I wish you had gills.

Just me.....dishthehappyfish