My reality is...

My reality is that I am well over 100 pounds overweight.

My reality is I am not happy with my current situation being overweight.

My reality is that I take these feelings out on myself through compulsively eating, and bargaining with myself that "at least my husband loves me, and my daughter loves me too". While these things may be completely true, that doesn't mean I shouldn't love myself, but I don't, or at least I don't seem to, when I look at how I treat my body, which is supposed to be a temple, right?

In 2006, I lost 146 pounds in 10 months, I dieted, and exercised myself down to the size I wanted to be,and I loved the attention, and feeling I got from explaining how I did it, and anyone could. 6 years, one wedding, and one baby later, I am back at the same weight I was before I ever started, but I feel so much worse about myself than I did when I was heavy before. I feel like my ignorance of being overweight was bliss. I really have no idea what drove me to lose so much weight, I just know one day I started cutting down on what I was eating, then after a month I dropped 25 pounds, and thought "hey, this is pretty easy, I can do this" so I did, and that was it. I didn't find it hard to loose the weight. I liked doing it, I would challenge myself every month to loose a certain amount, and push myself further and further every day. Once I got pregnant I did all the wrong things, stopped working out, and started eating everything I hadn't eaten in almost 2 years.

My daughter is healthy, beautiful, intelligent, vibrant, entertaining, and the center of my life. So I would not change a thing I did throughout my pregnancy because she is perfect to me, and going back to change one thing could have a detrimental ripple effect that I would be devasted by. That, and the fact that time travel has not been perfected yet, prevent this from happening.

So with that said, how do I move forward? How do I stop binging, and start living again? How do I take that first step? I have tried so many times over the past 3 years that I feel like its a losing battle. I began reading the book "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth a few days ago, and although I hadn't been watching what I was eating when I initially began reading I have been really thinking about and processing the word she writes. I think about them each time I want to run and hide within myself. Each day is something new, I have no idea what will unfold as the seconds, minutes, and hours pass, but I plan on keeping her words close by until I am strong enough to stand on my own again, and make life bearable once more.

Blooging helped me so much on my journey before, so here's to hoping it helps once more, knowing there are others out there that are struggling, and just as scared of what the future holds as I am helps to make me feel a little stronger, and able to combat this and all the other issues going on in my life...


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