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On our way to a football game, my sister looked at me and asked, “Why don’t you ever tell me I’m cute?” With her new outfit and freshly coifed hair, she did look rather nice. But her forthright fishing for a compliment startled me.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I guess I never gave it much thought.” My sister, obviously disappointed with my response, turned towards her window and stared blankly at the passing scenery. Seeing her pain made me want to rescind my dismissive statement, but I knew it was too late. The damage had been done and the chasm between my sister and I widened. That incident made me realize the many things about my sister that I haven’t given much thought to, the words I should have spoken but never did.
All my sister ever wanted was a little affection from her big brother, a kind word, an open ear. I gave her none of these things. When she tried to get me to show some affection for her, I’d hide my true feelings with jest and light-hearted ribbing. She would always smile and laugh never letting on that I was hurting her by being so closed off and cavalier.
I hadn’t always been so cavalier towards my sister. When we were younger, she and I were best friends more out of necessity than anything else. We comforted each other through our parents’ divorce. No matter how bad things got, we knew we’d be okay as long as we had each other. To help quell some of our fears, my sister and I would spend hours creating imaginary worlds full of fantastic characters. Our favorite scenario involved a large family which included the mother, father, several children, and a Snuggle Bunny, whose catch phrase was, “A little snuggle never hurt anybody.” My sister and I, playing all of the respective family members would engage the family in various conflicts which Snuggle Bunny could always resolve with a little snuggle. Afterwards, we would hug each other and wish that our problems could be solved so easily.
With time, the pain of our parents divorce waned and my sister and I stepped out of our fantasy worlds and became fully steeped in reality. While this segue may have been best for our psychological well-being, it was detrimental to our personal relationship. I blamed my sister for our parents’ break-up. I forced myself to believe that our mother and father would still be together if she hadn’t been born. Suddenly, a little snuggle was not enough to maintain our bond. All the silly games we used to make up and fun times we had didn’t seem so important to me anymore.
After a while, my ties to my sister were so severely severed that I began hanging out with people who were closer to my age who I thought was cool. I gave her explicit instructions to stay away from my friends and me. I wasn’t about to let a little sister cramp my style. Besides, she had the goods on me. I couldn’t afford any Snuggle Bunny references to slip out.
In retrospect, it seems silly that I snubbed my sister in favor of people whose names I don’t remember or even care to remember, but back then it made sense. I needed them to like me. I needed their acceptance. Since I knew her love was unconditional, nurturing our relationship didn’t sees as crucial.
As time passed, my sister blossomed into a stunning young woman with increased confidence and a sense of independence. Although she garnered an impressive list of accomplishments, I never gave her any accolades. It’s not that I wasn’t proud of her. I didn’t think I had
