This is My Story

My Story…

So much to say and I don’t know how to say it, so here we go. 

According to my family, I was a happy little girl. Social. Outgoing. Loving. Musical. I don’t remember any of that though. I actually don’t remember anything before the age of eight, which ironically enough, is the age I was when we left my old house. I don’t remember that house or ever living there.  When we go into that neighborhood, I look away and focus on the destination ahead. I don’t know why though, couldn’t even begin to tell you. I remember everything in this house though, the good times and the bad. I remember the laughing, hugging, family dinner, but I also remember the yelling, the cursing, the fighting and the crying. I remember one night, I was lying in my bed and my mom came and slept with me that night. She vented “to me” that night. I say that in quotes because she thought I was asleep but she was saying my name like she was talking to me. She told me “he’s cheating on me Lauren. I saw the emails.  I saw it, he’s cheating on me”. To this day, I don’t know if that was true or not but it also isn’t my place to know. That night though, started everything.

Ever since that day I have been battling depression. I remained social, I remained outgoing but only in public. Only in front of people. In my room, I wasn’t happy.  I was slowly breaking. As time went on my dad got help and family wise things got better but I got worse. I started having severe body image issues. There was always something I could change, something I could fix. I was striving for perfection beyond the word. Trying to lose weight that I didn’t have on me to lose. I was never overweight, I’ve always been average but it wasn’t enough for me. In sixth grade, when  I was twelve years old , I saw an ad on television for  a weight loss program, a website that helps you get back on track and send you meals and stuff, I jumped on it. I stole my mom’s credit card, faked my weight and age, by a lot, and ordered a meal plan and weight loss vitamin supplements. When I got caught for it, all I remember doing is sitting in a corner behind a chair and screaming “I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m fat. I don’t want to look like this” over and over and over for a long time. Nobody knew what to do so they let me have my tantrum. But it wasn’t a tantrum; it was the beginning of a long battle with anorexia. I knew I couldn’t get hold of meal plans or pills so I decided I would start dieting. I used any diet plan I could get my hands on and not look suspicious for, I used special K, slim quick, smoothie diets, starvation diets that limit your calorie intake, meal replacement bars, anything I could. I just wanted to be thinner and I never was. On top of that, I was bullied in middle school and high school. I had thin stringy hair, glasses way too big for my face, really small squinty eyes, chapped lips, I was a HUGE pushover and I was short. I was called a lot of names, told I was butt ugly in seventh grade. Laughed at for wearing an x-large shirt that I really liked. I only got that size because it was the only one left and I just really wanted it, I was 8..what do you expect? I never wore that shirt again. I let some girl punch my arm 5 times in a row in 9th grade, just because she felt like it and I didn’t want to say no so I said “sure!” cause that helps right?

I was never happy with myself and because of that, I began cutting at the end of 10th grade. I was having suicidal thoughts, day dreams, never actions though. Yes I cut, but never to kill myself. I cut out of stress and out of a hate for myself. A feeling that I deserved to be punished for what I was doing to people, or rather, things I thought I was doing to them. The cutting was always on the top of my wrist and arm. One night, I cut from my elbow to my wrist bone. 48 cuts in about a minute. I was bullied junior year, lost a lot of friends that year, a lot. Senior year too because I was fading and people were mean. I dated a guy junior year who would tell me he’s gonna kill himself every time I disagreed with him or said I needed to be alone for a bit. He tricked me. He lied to me. I was never first or good enough, someone else was always better. I was always second in his life. He manipulated me and he controlled me. He hurt me. That’s a separate story though. I’ve been told so much, I’ve been brought so far down and brought myself down even further.

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