This is My Story

My Story…

So much to say and I don’t know how to say it, so here we go. 

According to my family, I was a happy little girl. Social. Outgoing. Loving. Musical. I don’t remember any of that though. I actually don’t remember anything before the age of eight, which ironically enough, is the age I was when we left my old house. I don’t remember that house or ever living there.  When we go into that neighborhood, I look away and focus on the destination ahead. I don’t know why though, couldn’t even begin to tell you. I remember everything in this house though, the good times and the bad. I remember the laughing, hugging, family dinner, but I also remember the yelling, the cursing, the fighting and the crying. I remember one night, I was lying in my bed and my mom came and slept with me that night. She vented “to me” that night. I say that in quotes because she thought I was asleep but she was saying my name like she was talking to me. She told me “he’s cheating on me Lauren. I saw the emails.  I saw it, he’s cheating on me”. To this day, I don’t know if that was true or not but it also isn’t my place to know. That night though, started everything.

Ever since that day I have been battling depression. I remained social, I remained outgoing but only in public. Only in front of people. In my room, I wasn’t happy.  I was slowly breaking. As time went on my dad got help and family wise things got better but I got worse. I started having severe body image issues. There was always something I could change, something I could fix. I was striving for perfection beyond the word. Trying to lose weight that I didn’t have on me to lose. I was never overweight, I’ve always been average but it wasn’t enough for me. In sixth grade, when  I was twelve years old , I saw an ad on television for  a weight loss program, a website that helps you get back on track and send you meals and stuff, I jumped on it. I stole my mom’s credit card, faked my weight and age, by a lot, and ordered a meal plan and weight loss vitamin supplements. When I got caught for it, all I remember doing is sitting in a corner behind a chair and screaming “I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m fat. I don’t want to look like this” over and over and over for a long time. Nobody knew what to do so they let me have my tantrum. But it wasn’t a tantrum; it was the beginning of a long battle with anorexia. I knew I couldn’t get hold of meal plans or pills so I decided I would start dieting. I used any diet plan I could get my hands on and not look suspicious for, I used special K, slim quick, smoothie diets, starvation diets that limit your calorie intake, meal replacement bars, anything I could. I just wanted to be thinner and I never was. On top of that, I was bullied in middle school and high school. I had thin stringy hair, glasses way too big for my face, really small squinty eyes, chapped lips, I was a HUGE pushover and I was short. I was called a lot of names, told I was butt ugly in seventh grade. Laughed at for wearing an x-large shirt that I really liked. I only got that size because it was the only one left and I just really wanted it, I was 8..what do you expect? I never wore that shirt again. I let some girl punch my arm 5 times in a row in 9th grade, just because she felt like it and I didn’t want to say no so I said “sure!” cause that helps right?

I was never happy with myself and because of that, I began cutting at the end of 10th grade. I was having suicidal thoughts, day dreams, never actions though. Yes I cut, but never to kill myself. I cut out of stress and out of a hate for myself. A feeling that I deserved to be punished for what I was doing to people, or rather, things I thought I was doing to them. The cutting was always on the top of my wrist and arm. One night, I cut from my elbow to my wrist bone. 48 cuts in about a minute. I was bullied junior year, lost a lot of friends that year, a lot. Senior year too because I was fading and people were mean. I dated a guy junior year who would tell me he’s gonna kill himself every time I disagreed with him or said I needed to be alone for a bit. He tricked me. He lied to me. I was never first or good enough, someone else was always better. I was always second in his life. He manipulated me and he controlled me. He hurt me. That’s a separate story though. I’ve been told so much, I’ve been brought so far down and brought myself down even further.


In order to comment on, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

Recent Posts by Stay Positive