By spookerkay on March 25, 2014
Last winter, two weeks before my husband left, I fractured my knee in a skiing accident. Looking back, I now see that my husband's unhappiness had been permeating our family for months, and under all the stress and pressure of that, my body finally gave out. I crashed into the hard-packed snow, my left knee breaking my fall. When I finally got up, I crumpled back into the snow like a marionette doll whose strings had been cut. Little did I know that the emotional trauma I was about to endure was much worse than this physical one.
After my husband left, I was on crutches for another 10 weeks. I was both physically and emotionally a wreck. So I tackled what little I could control -- healing my knee. After 16 weeks of physical therapy, I hired a personal trainer to build by body back up. Make it strong. If my emotional state was a mess, at least my physical one would be solid. It's like I was building my armor.
So for the past several months I've been working with my trainer two days a week. That mixed with my power Pilates classes, and I feel great. I feel strong. But I want to keep moving forward. And I feel like my trainer isn't getting me there. I've plateaued. I've talked to her about it, but it doesn't help. My body isn't responding to her workouts. It's time to try something new.
But the problem: I can't pull the plug. I think about leaving my trainer and doubt fills my mind: What if I lose the strength I've built up? What if a new workout doesn't keep me as strong? What if I can't find a workout I like?
Hearing myself say this aloud, it sounds absurd. Why am I second-guessing what I know I need to do? The answer: Because I don't leave people. My set point is to endure relationships. Especially those in which I'm not getting what I need. My capacity to endure is enormous...it's like a superpower.
Endurance can be a good power to have -- I'm committed, I'm patient, I'm loyal, I give relationships the time they need to form. But my superpower can be detrimental: I endure, rather than speaking up for what I need...and, I don't walk away when I should.
I endured a mrriage, in which I wasn't getting what I needed, way too long. And I'm starting to do the same with my trainer. So I''m going to follow my impulse and leave. I'll try a new workout. And if it doesn't fit me, I won't endure it, I'll just move on to something else.