My Time: Recovering Esteem, Discovering Dreams
In reply to the NaBloPoMo Prompt: What do you wish you had more time to do each day?
(As a disclaimer: I am sick with the flu today, so please excuse this post if it's off!)
Sometimes the technical side of blogging and running a website is mentally exhausting. It's really like learning a new language, that I'm struggling to teach myself, and it seems to be testing my mental endurance at the moment. It just makes my brain hurt sometimes! For instance, I just found out today that one of my links are broken on wordpress.com - which is a HUGE deal. I have no idea how that happened, but somehow I'm going to have to backtrack and take the probably 3-5 hours required to figure it out and fix it. And I still have to focus on writing my content for NaBloPoMo - which is the most important thing. So, "what do I wish I had more time to do each day?" - that would be at the top of my list at the moment: having the time (and mental capacity, ha ha!) to truly understand what the heck I'm doing, and to be able to troubleshoot problems easily, as they arise. This whole thing has taught me that I'm not as smart as I thought I was!
I would also love to have more time to read other blogs. I've really never been a blog reader, so this is all new to me. Starting this blog was more-or-less just something I fell into, as an afterthought. I planned on starting my YouTube channel first - with a focus on beauty reviews - and with bipolar being kind of a side dish. Instead, I'm blogging about bipolar, with barely a mention of beauty (for now). But it's exactly what I needed! I had no idea that I had so much inside to write about (not that I'd ever claim to be a writer), but the words are kind of just writing themselves, and here I am! However, I do wish I had more time to become more familiar with the blogging world and how it works, and discovering all of the other amazing blogs that are out there. Unfortunately, my own website is just too time-intensive right now - especially just getting started, and getting all of the kinks worked out.
Speaking of not enough time - I'm sure some people would look at my life - at my responsibilities - and roll their eyes and wonder "What does she do all day?" The truth is, I really don't do much, compared to most people. That has been a part of mental illness that has been difficult to accept - because the real me likes working, staying busy, and being productive. Right now, I'm not able to work - not at a "real" job. I'm pretty much on disability, only not getting paid for it. But I've discovered a while ago that my bipolar has reached a point where I just can't be reliable and consistent anymore. So I'm a stay-at-home mom to my two boys - my two favorite employers! And I'm grateful everyday that we're able to somehow manage to get by with just one income. Those are the circumstances that have given me the time to be here now - at this website that I love - this platform to put my words (and eventual videos) out there. And it's a perfect fit for me. I have the freedom to go at my own pace, and take my time. I'm feeling productive again. Like I have a purpose. Like I'm worth something, and have something to contribute. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth of the low place I'm coming from at the moment. But I can slowly feel my self-esteem starting to mend. I've said it before, but I feel like I could be on the brink of something great - maybe not great in everybody's opinion - but great for me, and my sanity. This place is literally the best therapy I have ever had. I can't believe how healing it is - this process of spilling my guts - even in the short amount of time I've been on here. And I'm so thankful I have the time to devote to it.
To give myself the break that I need, while at the same time not being too easy on myself, is a delicate balance I haven't quite figured out yet. But I do wish I had the time and ability to do everything inside my head that I know my family deserves. Time to wake up refreshed and cook a good breakfast. Time to work outside the house, and make up for all of the money I've wasted on my manic spending-sprees. Time to volunteer in my community and at my children's school consistently. Time to cook the lavish meals and desserts that I love creating, and my family loves eating. Time to get completely caught up on housework (and never get behind again). For myself - I wish I had more time to workout, more time to read and study and learn, more time to watch YouTube videos. Simple wishes, but somehow so complicated. Sometimes I have those random moments of enlightenment - where time seems to open up - and all of the to-do lists piling up seem to magically get done. But a normal day for me now involves my huge struggle with getting easily overwhelmed - so I've been forced to realize that I can't compare myself to "normal" people, and their capabilities. And I'm trying to convince myself that that's okay.
So, for now, I choose to focus my time on the things that will help me feel as emotionally healthy as I can be - because in the end, that's what's best for everybody. What's doing that for me right now is being right here, talking to you - and the dreams of what this could turn into. Today those dreams have made great strides in coming to fruition - due to a most spectacular present! I've gotten the most amazing material gift I can imagine at this moment: A brand new computer! The computer of my dreams - fully-loaded!!! I am so beyond excited to receive that beauty in the mail, I'll probably pee my pants when it gets here! So, to my generous gift-giver- my Dad - I will never be able to thank you enough for helping me out. Thank you for believing in me, for having pity on me, and for putting up with my manipulative insistence on getting what I want - even though it's true that beggars can't be choosers. I will be forever grateful! This is seriously the foundation I need to put all of these dreams together. (However, don't think for a minute that this means I won't write about you now, ha ha!)
So, now I'm off to spend my hours diagnosing the mysterious reason my link has disappeared - on this website that means so much to me. Because, for me, it stands for hope. The hope that all of these hours, all of these emotions, all of these sometimes tearful words written, will fall on the right ears...and whisper their comforting message..."You are not alone."
© 2013 Lipstick and Lithium