"I've Never Felt More Attractive in My Life" said the 50-Year-Old Woman. He Said, "I Don't Believe You."

In my writer's group recently I shared a piece I was working on called Dancing the Fifty Fandango about turning 50 this June and how I've never felt more curious, ambitious and even attractive in my life.I awaited my notes and am used to having to trash pieces and start all over. So I was surprised at how chafed I became when one of my middle-aged, male compatriots said he thought the piece was a bit forced and that he wasn't really buying it, especially the bit about me believing I'm "at the apex of my juiciness."...more

When the Wicked Stepmom Becomes Your Mom

I was two years old when my stepmother Gini burst into my life like a glamorous, marauding Valkyrie set on bending me to her will. She had platinum blond hair worn in an Aqua-Net bouffant, thick black eyeliner, and a figure Jayne Mansfield would've killed for. At night she peeled her false eyelashes off like she was undressing her face....more
You are lucky to have a step mom who loves you just as much as she loves her own children.more

13 Things Men Want Women To Know About Sex

In a recent story on College Candy (because I've never matured past my beer-funneling, waking-up-in-a-strange-dorm-bunk-with-Robert-Downey-Junior-during-the-druggie-years college era) the men of the Dude's List offer this wisdom gems to women everywhere.Here's what they say:1. Not Every Time Has To Be The Best Sex Ever! ...more

My Secret Life As An Assassin

I didn't realize when I woke up this morning there was a price on my head.I rolled out of bed after the kids and Henry were off to school and work, slipping on my terrycloth robe and padding barefoot out into the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee.Just as I was stretching and rubbing the sleep from my eyes I saw two shadowy, masked figures behind me, reflected in the stainless steel sheen of my kettle....more

6 Ways Dating is like Hiking Everest

6 Ways Dating is Like Hiking1. First you must be sure you have the right foot equipment for the climb.Are you going to wear flip-flops to ascend Killamanjaro?I think not. You've got to be prepared for the rigors of the hike....more

Letter to my Daughters: 10 Reasons Not to Have Sex in High School

By hook or by crook I graduated high school a virgin and am grateful I did.Not because I didn't have to worry about pregnancy or STDs (although that was certainly a plus) and not because I thought it ensured me a place in heaven sitting at Jesus's right hand, but mostly because no one could judge me or call me a slut....more

5 Awful Things That Happened to my Daughters in Summer Camp

I did something that totally pissed my kids off. I sent them to summer sports camp so I could work and try to make money to pay for their braces and college. That's right, I'm an asshole. After camp, when I got to the front of the pick-up line in my minivan, a 20-year-old counselor-in-training with crack-dilated eyes and green paint on his face dashed to my car, yanked my sliding door open and yelled, "Happy Leprechaun day! Who's your camper? WHO'S YOUR CAMPER???!" ...more
I will never forget when I went to camp. Once.  I got horrible food poisoning. It was ...more

8 Red Flags that my Husband needs Sex

It was time. I could tell it was time because Henry, who usually traverses the house with the stealth of a Native American tracking a herd of jittery American Bison, had begun stomping around and inadvertently slamming into furniture as if he'd become a gutshot version of one of the American Bison he was tracking.(Henry doesn't actually track American Bison. It's a metaphor. For something. In this story. Good, right?)Bottom line. Henry needed sex. I know when Henry needs sex for these reasons:...more
Good on you!  Cranky when we should be getting busy is a common theme at our house.  Finally in ...more

10 Signs you Might be Dating an Asshat and 5 Ways to Avoid Them to find Real Love

Asshats. We've all been in love with at least one. Haven't we? If you haven't, do me a service and lie.What defines an Asshat? (I'm going to refer to men, but Asshatism crosses all gender lines). My #AsshatCriteria:1. He never does what he says he'll do. He doesn't call when he says he will. He doesn't show up when he should. You frequently think he may be dead, then want to kill him when he's not....more