Do You See Me?

It’s not a question of “What are we doing?” or “Are we dating?” or even, “Are you sleeping with anyone else?” It’s only this: “Do you see me?”Because as much as I want to know him, I want to be known. Whether we drift apart in a few weeks or get married on some green hillside without shoes, my desire remains the same....more

If I Go There Will Be Trouble…

I never qualified myself as an anxious person.  My entire childhood was basically dedicated to extroverted activities: acting on stage (this lasted till my last year in college), performing in music groups and bands, playing every kind of team sport there was (never mind the fact that I was pretty horrible in all of them), and winning constant Gold Stars in participation. I was loud, gregarious and loved being the leader. Nobody, EVER, would classify me as a socially anxious child....more

Ghosts Of Broken Hearts Past

Driving through a thunderstorm down the only roads I’d trust myself on during a thunderstorm; roads that taught me how to drive in the first place, a flash of a memory as bright as the lightning outside my car suddenly pushed me back through time.I might as well have been behind the wheel of a DeLorean.It was random, the way it smacked into my brain out of nowhere. A familiar feeling of shame and sadness rippled through my skin as my mind, without a second of warning, jumped to the moment I realized the first boy I had ever loved (it should probably be LOVED, since that’s how full my heart was on him), had met someone new only weeks after we had broken up and neglected to tell me about it. I found out through one of those old school AOL instant messages from a mutual friend who realized her mistake too late, her backpedaling no match for my desperate questions.That moment, that oh-my-god-no moment, that elevator slamming through my insides and knees going weak from pain moment, reverberated through my entire body almost eight years later. Time had barely weakened the sensation....more

Still Single After All These Years

I think everyone hits a point where they think, “Really? Still single?!”For the most part, I’m happy and complete the way I am. Or at least, I work towards that every day. I’d be a big fat liar if I said that being alone was my preference. It’s not. But until they invent this thing where you can snap your fingers and out pops a great boyfriend, it’s up to me to find a wholeness in my current being. It’s up to me to not worry about loneliness, or other people’s engagements or weddings, or those irrational fears that I’ve used up all my chances. I’m the only one who can cut the rumination.And most of the time, this works.But I’m not, like, a robot. I can’t operate in perfect stasis all the time. And I think, the longer one stays single, the harder it becomes to imagine that you’ll ever be able to reverse the tide. So then I start to have small moments of panic: “Really? Still single?!”...more