Chapter 6: The Windup Girl

4:30 in the morning and I’ve yet to fall asleep.  The digital clock next to my bed, with its glowing red numbers, mocks me as a I will my brain to shut down and, for the love of god, just let me fucking sleep!  I’ve tried everything, but the pills and the meditation tapes and the classical music… none of it’s working.  My brain just will not stop running....more
@4kidsmom Thank you.  I wrote this as part of a memoir that I've been working on.  This actually ... more

Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s day and fuck autism.  I recently had a friend who said that she never complains about her situation and just puts her head down and deals with it.  I would give anything to have that kind of strength, but I don’t have it.  I’m weak and angry and depressed and hopeless and everything else that you can throw in.  I’m beyond my limits in every way.  I have no reserves to draw from.  I have nothing.  I’m holding it together by sheer will… and that’s running out....more
I think about my little guy all of the time.  It breaks my heart to see my baby go through this. ... more

Memo to the Universe

You fucked up.We’re talking epic, shattering, whoops!.Let’s be real damn honest: In a very literal sense, I should not have kids. Everything about my health history should have added up to my being infertile, or, at the bare minimum, someone who really had to struggle to get a baby.And days like today, I look at my oldest child and wonder why on earth the Universe gave him to someone like me.I feel helpless and angry and tired and bewildered.I broke down in front of the kids tonight. Full on sobbing, blubbering, snotty nosed wailing. Twice so far....more
I hear you.  I get it.  I feel like I just read what has been in my own head all evening.  I'm ... more

...I am now not get getting any views on stuff I post. Did my journal get flagged or something?

...I am now not get getting any views on stuff I post. Did my journal get flagged or something? ...more
I'm having the same problem.  I went from having a hundred or more views per post to less than ... more

Midlife and Tattoos: Why I Ink

No, I am not barreling at the speed of light toward a midlife crisis, I'd like to squash that idea right now.Yes, I realize that at 40-something many people are removing their tattoos not getting them.No, I am not desperately clinging to my youth by pretending to be edgy and cool - I'm ALREADY edgy and cool, just ask my kids and then ignore their snorts and eye-rolling. Yes, I may possibly be out of my mind, but the crazy is what keeps y'all coming back for more so I'm  unleashing a whirling dervish of it here in today's post. You're welcome....more
I loved this!  I got my first tattoo at 31, after my son was born.  It's a lotus flower with ... more

Fight The System

I’m breaking the binds that hold me in this “stuck” position that I’ve been in the for the past few months.  Like waking up out of a fog, I’m moving forward, being pulled towards our family goals and finally seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. ...more
 @@BehavioralChild Thank you!  I've just spent the last hour reading other mom's posts about ... more

To the Lady in the Food Court: Thank God You're Not Her Mother

I heard you loud and clear. I heard you above the screaming of my child (she was quite loud) in the noisy food court. If you happen across this blog, you know who you are. You are the person who said to her friend "If that were my daughter..." You might remember me because I actually stopped for a second at your table looked you in the eye and proudly stated, "That is my daughter and she is autistic."...more
This tugged at my heart strings!  My husband and I have gone back and forth with the idea of ... more

Guilt, With A Side Of Whisky

Again, with the guilt.  If there is anything that is consistent in this autism experience, it is that guilt is a constant and a given.  This morning, I awoke to the screaming (that’s becoming a constant, as well).  My feet hadn’t even met the floor before the chaos began.  I walked into the living room to see my partner, my beautiful partner of infinite patience, trying to calm the fireman.  To no avail.  Yay, it’s Sunday!I contemplated going back to bed, but it would mean two things, well three actually:1.  I would actually be giving up....more
 @@BehavioralChild The writing is helping.  It's my way to get out what's been bottled up inside ... more

Polaroid Moments

It’s Saturday, around 4 pm, and I’m laying in bed, swelling with anger and shrinking with guilt, a toxic emotional cocktail that I drown myself in often.  ”You don’t need that guilt,” says my therapist.  ”Let it go.  You don’t need it.”  So easy to say....more
Thank you.  I do, too. more

Introducing The iStab

I’ve been soooo grouchy lately and have decided that what I need is a serious attitude adjustment....more
 @Bad Luck Detective A little pain might be in order...  :-) more