50 Shades of Bobbie Ray

'Jes when I think he's 'bout had all he can take, somethin' creeps up my cooter like a one-eyed snake.  That boy must be hornier than a two peckered billy goat. "Mmm, mm, Arlene, you sure are slicker than a minnow's dick," he growls all sexy-like in my ear.  And to think I thought he was queerer than a three dollar bill not two weeks ago. "Mizzes Tucker, you'd do right to mind that wigglin'," Billie Ray snaps, riding me like a I'm the highlight of the rodeo.  I swear, his dick feels so hard a cat couldn't scratch it. I got no choice to s...more

Open Letter to You Women

Dear Ladies, Femmes, Chicas, Girls and BitchesFeminists are not man haters. They just believe women and men are equal.  Every time a woman says she's not a feminist, another woman loses a job to someone less qualified with a penis.Stop participating in the sexual repression of your daughters.  I realize she's adorable and pure as a child, but one day she might just be a sexually active adult. Letting her believe that it's wrong to enjoy sex isn't doing anyone any favors, particularly her.  Don't lie to your daughters about sex!...more

Things Better Left Unsaid about Parenting

Parenthood is wonderful—or so I’ve been told—but before you launch into a bunch of cliches about how “meaningless” and “unfulfilling” everything was before your children (again!), let's take a trip down memory lane to the days when you weren't hallucinating from fatigue, covered in a variety of spit-up, feces and inexplicable stains (how'd I get peas on my butt?), back when you could name at least one currently popular musical act, had attended a theatrical or musical production starring adults in the past twelve months and maybe, j...more

Bring on the Success, Dammit

Ever have one of those days when you think to yourself: Where the f**k is my success already? Well, today is one of those days. I’d sell the copyrights to my soul for a freaking comment on my blog from someone who hasn't known me since childhood....more

Here Comes Skin Cancer *ahem* Summer

It’s that time of year again.  Spring has arrived!  At least at my house, losers!...more

How to: Make Seed Starter Pots from Toilet Paper Rolls

Anyone who enjoys gardening knows that full grown plants are expensive. It is much cheaper and rewarding to start them from seed. As gardeners were 'green' first, many of us prefer to use natural fertilizers (compost and poop, yo!), organic seeds--you may even go the extra mile by keeping a seed bank (I do!)--and those ultra-handy but stupidly expensive biodegradable seed starter pots that are a tad frustrating but great because they can go right in the ground....more

Random Things Better Left Unsaid

Intelligence breeds insanity.  At least, that's what they say.  Or what they've proved.  Whatever.  It doesn't matter anyway.  Crazy, smart, sane, stupid; you are what you are.Am I the only one who can't stand dry wind?  'Cause I hate that f*cking stuff.  Whoosh.  Go to hell, wind.  Come back when you have some rain....more

Things I Have Learned by Now (or should have)

Simul-blogged at my site:  www.thingsbetterleftunsaid.net On smarts: Some people are stupid.  Let them be. Don't complain too much about how stupid they are; consider it, rather, as job security or evidence of your superiority.  'Cause if you complain about it too much, they're gonna start to resent you.  And when they resent you, they're gonna pay attention to all the stupid/shitty/irresponsible things you've been doing on/off the clock...more

Canoodling at Ex-Husband's Restaurant: Is it Malignant or am I just an Idiot?

Courtesy of many years in food service where you never want to ask the vicious, drooling pack of nurses, "Who ordered the burger-no-meat-hold-the-bun?"--in fact your very life may depend on it--and having succesfully completed astronomical amounts of debt-digging otherwise known as further education, I have crazy good memory skills.  So it may be hard to believe I would forget so important a detail as the ONE restaurant in the entire city of Jacksonville where my ex-husband of under two years (still well in the awkward zone) works.  But,&...more