Leu Gardens, Lavas and ...... lots of other weird shit

The day or so after I arrived in America, Clare and I had got up for breakfast, and were by the pool eating a 'breakfast casserole' (yes they eat casseroles for breakfast in America). The sun was beaming and both the pool, and the lake in the distance were shimmering and glinting with light. "I thought we could visit Leu Gardens today," said Clare, thoughtfully chewing on a turkey sausage. "What the bloody hell is Leu Gardens?" I asked her, flicking a slice of jalapeno pepper off my bacon [it bounced un-noticed off her dog's head and plopped into the pool]....more

Preparing myself for America ... the gluttony way

The thing about travelling to America is that there is a five hour difference so you have to ease yourself into it gradually and build up your strength, otherwise you might get jetlag and perish. So the morning after I had arrived, I staggered weakly into the living room and announced to Clare that I needed a huge breakfast otherwise I might faint. I even collapsed onto the sofa (so it wouldn't hurt) for added gravitas. ...more
It has served me well over the years!!more

Everybody! Let's get out of this hellhole

One of the downsides about living in England is that winter lasts too bloody long. Generally, by November I am completely pissed off by it, but by that stage there's still another four months to go before Spring. Talk about pants - it drags on longer than an episode of 'Match of the Day'. So, after spending months wearing sackcloth, dragging a pit pony through the village (not sure why, it just sounds wintery), and having various frostbitten digits amputated, I decided it was time to leave the UK for sunnier climes for a while. ...more

Dead dogs and daffodils ..... and cake

What ho! What the blazes has been going on in Oxfordshire, old chap? I hear you cry. Well, last weekend, it was 'daffodil day', that's what. Now daffodil day is an annual tradition upheld by the landed gentry in the locale of my village, Forest Hill. Basically, the Lord of manor invites all the local peasantry (like me) to his stately home for the afternoon to view the amazing displays of Spring daffodils. ...more

Izzy gets arrested aged 6

There is one trick that I have learned whilst dragging bringing up Izzy, and that is, if you keep an kid entertained, your house doesn't get trashed. Yep, it is that simple. Find 'em something to do and you spare yourself the trauma of seeing 'I luv High skook musikal' daubed over your living room walls with an indelible marker. In this vein, last weekend I decided to take Izzy and her chum (whom I shall call Chumski) on a day out. Actually, Chumski's father, Tim, also decided to come because he was at a loose end. ...more

Clock changing, Punts and Picnics

I have just wasted an hour of my life putting all my clocks forward by one hour because of some spurious governmental edict of yesteryear (called 'Daylight Saving Time' DST). For those of you who don't live in the UK; basically, in the autumn we put our clocks back one hour, and in summer we put them forward one hour. Apparently, it maximises the amount daylight hours that we get, but my personal opinion is that it's an hour spent faffing around with clocks that we won't get back. DST was apparently implemented during World War I in order to conserve coal. ...more

World's Fattest Woman (to be)?

Right that's it. Now I have seen it all.You could be forgiven in our modern day society, for thinking that as times become tougher, people are becoming increasingly more apathetic and resigned. Maybe so, but that doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.Especially the woman I am about to introduce you to. ...more

Blogs and Dogs are Gits

Fuckety Fuckety bloody knob rot with cherries on top. I hate you BLOGGER! I hate you more than anchovies and olives! Grrrrr. Yesterday I decided to try and update my blog layout to make it all fresh and flowery like Spring. It was an innocuous task that I had performed many times without any problems. But this time it was different. Once the new template was installed, the commenting system (Disqus) instantaneously disappeared. Bastard with bollocks on. ...more

Mother's Day 2012 Dahlinks

Today was Mother's day. It's still a weird one. Although I have got Izzy, I still struggle to think of myself as a "mother". Not because I don't love the ginge or anything like that (heaven forbid - she is the best thing ever), but because I don't have a single maternal bone in my body.  ...more

Strep Throat nearly killed me. Kind of

So as you know, earlier this week, I had a bit of a fever kick in. It both took me by surprise, and pissed me off - because I am virtually never ill. I can't even remember the last time I had a cold - ten years ago maybe? Whereas it seems more of the norm to have an 'annual' cold.But things didn't stop at the fever, oh no. Heaven forbid that I should enjoy being in bed.  Before long, all my joints started throbbing and aching, and then the piece de resistance kicked in. Throat pain.  ...more