The Last of the Firsts

 A year ago today my family and friends attended Finley's funeral. I had never been to the funeral of a child before; in fact I've been to very few funerals in general. It was very sad and it was very hard. Finding the words to share about a person that you love so much but feel like you barely got a chance to know is very hard. Funerals usually speak of the things that a person liked to do, their accomplishments, words from people they loved. We never got to know who Finley would.... ...more

In Which I Contemplate Pregnancy After Loss

Since Finley was born, a question that seemed to be on everyone’s mind was whether or not Steve and I would ‘try again’. People throw those words around as though it is the most natural question in the world. I know it’s genuine curiosity from people who were so excited for us to become parents, and yet to me it often feels like people are really asking if we are going to try again because we failed the last time. Or, I guess I should say, that I failed the last time, since I was the one who carried him....more

Naples Revisited

A lot of you probably already know that I took a trip to Naples last week. I planned this trip ages ago and while I thought of writing about it, I don't think I did because I didn't want to dwell on just exactly what this trip would mean. When it became apparent to me that we were definitely going to move forward with our move to Canada, I knew in my heart that I had to go back to the place where Finley was born, because once we live overseas, the opportunity just wouldn't be there....more

New Year, New Hope

I've been sitting here for a couple of hours contemplating what to write about 2012. How can I possibly convey in words what that year has meant for me and for my family?There is a quote that instantly springs to mind, and I feel that it is more fitting in my life now than it has ever been before....more

St. Catherine's Hill Adventure

On Thursday we decided to take Jacob out for a walk. He was going a little bit stir crazy from being indoors. The weather was not exactly lovely, so we got suitably dressed and headed out.Steve decided that he wanted to go to St. Catherine's Hill. We had never been there before, but you can see it plainly from the M3 when driving towards Winchester from the south. It looks huge from the road ...more

Nine Months at Christmas (and Link Up)

Today I should have a 9 month old baby boy at home. We should be in Italy. I imagine that he would be crawling and getting into everything while we are trying to get all of the last minute preparations for Christmas complete. There would be a mound of presents under the tree that took ages to wrap because of the sweet boy who keeps distracting me. Steve's family would probably be with us by now, slightly disbelieving of how much Finley has grown. We'd be getting ready for Christmas Eve....more

December Update

I have been a bit of a blog neglector lately. I feel bad for that - but with Christmas coming up, life has been so busy. I was sick for over a week and then it's been pretty manic. Christmas balls, friend's gigs, shopping, lots of work.And then there is a constant build up of sadness as the holidays get closer. A huge mixture of excitement for a holiday I love so much, and dread that it should be our first with our own little one at home. I will write more on that later....more

12 Days of Christmas at Small Bird Studios

Fran from Small Bird Studios is hosting a series of guest posts and giveaways in the spirit of Christmas. When I found out about this opportunity, I so wanted to be involved.This year I've knit stockings for each member of our family. I was desperate to have something with Finley's name on for Christmas. I am so pleased with how they've turned out....more

Feeling Weak

I don't feel strong. I feel so small in this huge world, like me and my life and my hopes and my fears mean nothing to anybody. I can see life passing by and I just feel stuck. I don't know how to move forward anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to have a life where my son isn't....more

And It Builds...

I'm lacking inspiration for what to write today. I've been feeling like crap all day. My head just will not stop pounding.I just decided to sit and watch my ultrasound videos. I have no idea why - lord knows it only brings back happy memories that I now wish I hadn't taken for granted. I know that watching the videos just make me sad, even though at the time seeing Finley on screen was always exciting.I'm tired. So tired.......more