Goodbye and thank you...

So, every few months, someone gets mad at me, on the computer. I'm rude for a myriad of reasons. I'm a shitty parent ....more

Just a phase...

So, I'm feeling a need to tighten things up, around here. If you want to know the truth, I've been feeling discouraged, lately.  Not overwhelmed or under confident, necessarily, just like I am not committing myself anywhere, except to my children.  I feel thinly spread across the rest of my life, like I'm not really doing anything justice.  Like I'm not really doing anything. I've tried things like setting goals, making schedules, rearranging obligations, enforcing nap times (or "rest times" since my girls are getting older) which never go well.. ....more

Little miracles

I spend so much time feeling either like the world is collapsing in on me,   or that I'm splitting wide open to hold it all inside of me. I prefer splitting open, even though it's scary and it hurts. I prefer an understanding that all of the experience of my life is an exposed, open space, and that there is nothing to hold on to, not really.  That everything I grasp at so dearly is just tucking my head under my wing and humming with my ears covered ....more

Feeling fear, instead of avoiding it

When I feel overwhelmed, I freeze up. I think I must feel overwhelmed all the time. I feel like I am afraid of not being in control, but the truth is probably more like I am afraid of everything that I am really in control of.  I'm afraid that I'll fail, that I'm failing. ...more

The animals in the zoo

I can't sleep when it storms, she said, because I worry for all of the animals in the zoo. ...more

Muttering to myself

I was exhausted leaving the house tonight. At the intersection in front of my house, an old woman with giant glasses yelled at me from her car.  She had waved to me, letting me go in front of her, but I didn't move fast enough and she swore at me.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm breaking in small ways and the cracks are growing, like... I could have really used a trip out of the house tonight that didn't involve ...more

Ingtroducing ynnie Bee, and how I never buy clothes for myself

So, I'm not a fashion person.  I don't really wear make up or uncomfortable shoes.  I don't care whether or not you approve of my "style," or if you find me attractive.  I don't aim to be some kind of spokesperson for beauty, about what it should mean, or what role it should play in your life. ...more

This moment...

Nothing is solid, everything is like a dream. ...more

How my brother didn't drown in a riptide...

It is a strange thing, watching someone drown. First, you are kneeling in the wet sand.  There is sunlight and space everywhere.  The ocean waves are crashing behind you, and you are digging with your hands.  The wind is blowing; a rushing sound in your ears, and you are happy.  Your sister and your husband are on their knees next to you.  Your children are there.  You are digging them a little swimming pool out of sand.  ...more

On vacation...