best week ever.

One Friday afternoon last month, I was on the way to pick Dash up from school when I stopped at the ATM and discovered my account was overdrawn $700. This was definitely some shoddy, Brokedown Palace news and I wondered why it is that these things never happen on a Monday morning at 11 when you might be able to do something about them but always at the exact moment that banks put a “Next Teller Please” sign in their window and head off to Happy Hour....more

i heart ny.

In 1972, my mother, having had more than enough of both my father and her bra, announced that she, Slim and I would be moving away from the creature comforts of New York City and into the wilds of the Quebec countryside. I would no longer be a fashionable Greenwich Village tot with impossibly beautiful and glamorous parents but rather a hippie and a farmer and orphaned by fifty-percent. ...more


I went into 2011 as excited as anyone could be. As we all know by now, I am a fan of thresholds and fresh starts and couldn’t wait to leave behind the ball buster of 2010 and embark, all shiny and clean, on what I truly believed was going to be a better year. Now, however, I seem to be channeling my inner Republican and it looks like I will have to beat 2011 until it's bloody, stuff it in a sack and threaten it to be kinder and gentler cause we’re 12 days in and, well, it’s sucked so far. ...more

it's a new dawn. it's a new day. and i'm feeling good.

Here’s what I didn’t know on December 31, 2009 at 11:59 pm: That I would drop 50 pounds. That I would love working out. That I would write a blog.That my relationship with Peter would get worse. That my relationship with Dash would get better. That my sister would break my heart, then put it back together again. That I would lose John.That I would find Sam. Here’s what I heard this year: You have an awesome heart. You have a mustache. You’re a great writer.I love you. You’re a great mom. You’re selfish....more

adult swim. sam.

Wikipedia says fear is “an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus or the threat of danger.” Webster’s says fear is “to be afraid of, to expect with alarm.” No matter how you slice it, the hour before Sam was due to arrive, I was the very definition. ...more

kiss kiss bang bang. part three.

The day before I went to the shooting range, Polly called to find out who was coming with me. “Mom, Pop, Slim, and Darren,” I answered. “Oh God,” she said, “It’s bad enough you’re risking our family’s lives, why do you have to drag Darren into this?” Darren is Slim’s boyfriend and the newest member of our tribe. “Look at it as a rite of passage,” I said, “he’s getting ‘jumped in’ to the family.” She said, “We’re not Crips, Alex. You can’t give GUNS to these people. It’s totally ridiculous. No, no. Bring someone stable.” I mentally flipped through my Rolodex....more

in neutral.

ONEI'm single and as a single person with loads of partnered up friends, I have endured many evenings of well-wishers trying to figure out what I want and whether they know someone who will fit the bill. They ask me what type of man I am most attracted to and I always say, "Jesus." Not "Jesus!" like I'm irritated by the question but "Jesus" like the guy from the bible. ...more

kiss kiss. bang bang. part two.

"We don't allow holstered weapons or quick draw shooting, so don't even try it. I don't care if you have a blog or a column or whatever the hell it is you're telling me," says the owner of the shooting range when I called yesterday. "Anyway, weren't you supposed to come in a few weeks ago? What the hell happened to you?" ...more

southern cross. part two.

Before I even got on the boat, my curls had started to droop. I wasn’t crying anymore because I was too busy far-away gazing, for real. I was NOT feeling sun kissed and free, as I'd hoped, only that I was unfit to take the test. Bernadette, who despite spending years surrounded by salty dogs, turns out to be one of the gentlest people I have ever met. She pulled me aside and took me for a walk along the harbor. “I take it you’re having some marital challenges,” she said. I nodded....more

southern cross. part one.

"When you see the Southern Cross for the first time, you’ll understand, now, why you came this way.” ...more