How to Speak in Public without Puking on the Podium

 I’m often asked to give keynote speeches to various groups because I have a gift for bullshit and I can use silly finger puppets and a bag of cheap props to make even the crabbiest audience laugh for a few minutes. Every public speaker has inevitable worries: Will they laugh at my jokes? Do they understand three-syllable words? Am I going to have explosive diarrhea?...more

How Blended Families Survive the Holidays (without Calling the Cops)

The holiday season is only weeks away! If you’re in a blended family, that fact could cause your eyes to twitch and your beleaguered intestines to threaten explosive diarrhea because you barely got over the stress from last year’s drama. But with coordinated logistics, bribes, and chocolate, combined families can learn how to survive without a food fight, bloodletting, or lawsuits. Just keep the wine and the children breathing....more

If my Mother Died Today

I love my mother. But if she passed away today I would be thankful. That doesn't make me a heartless, horrible daughter; I only want her to be free from earthly constraints and permanent disability....more

Knocked Down and Laid Up - More Midlife Misery

 For the past six weeks, I’ve followed a rigorous ritual every morning: I strap on a knee brace, grimace in pain, swear, and then hobble to the kitchen for coffee because it’s too early for booze.I’m in pain because I have a torn meniscus over a cracked bone in my knee and open, festering burn wounds on both legs. The pathetic reality is that I did all this to myself, and the pain and indignity is souring my sweet disposition....more

Small Print Makes us See Red

Here is a clear plea, written in legible 12-point type, from middle-aged women to package designers. Increase the size of the print on your products because our eyesight is weaker, our patience is shorter, and our brand loyalty is volatile. Give us big type or skip the hype because we’re not buying it anymore....more
Right ON! I would write more, but every time I try, an ad here on bloghermore

Why Funny is Always Fashionable

You know you’re at peace with yourself and the universe if you can enter a crowded social function, scan the room, and then join the group creating the most laughter. After a certain age, you don’t waste time with pseudo-intellectuals, plastic-faced divas, or over-styled drama queens; especially if they’re your relatives. Just trot your sensible, low-heeled shoes over to those having fun and then laugh until you snort....more

Midlife Cabernet: Don't Fart during an MRI

I share this true but pathetic story to commiserate with other tortured souls who relentlessly endure and survive extreme humiliation. We’re a group of accident-prone fools who regularly trigger embarrassing situations that would permanently traumatize a normal person. My experience this week will be difficult to surpass: I farted inside an MRI machine....more

Hallucinating with Storybook Friends

I recently experienced a knee injury so painful that I sobbed until tears and snot covered my face, and I ignored my mother’s admonishment to wear fancy underwear before going to the hospital. After x-rays confirmed damaged ligaments, a doctor who appeared to be 12-years-old prescribed an assortment of painkilling medicines. I wanted to adopt him because the wonder drugs were magnificent....more

Midlife Cabernet: Old Advice for New Parents

 My children grew up to become happy, productive adults without an arrest record or implanted horns and they still talk to me, so I’m qualified to offer some advice to new parents of healthy children. Here are a few easy suggestions that are all legal:Your children should:...more

Vintage Friends and Wine get Better with Age

I recently attended a garden party with a dozen feisty middle-aged women. We all once worked for Boise Cascade Corporation, and as our lives have evolved, most of us are still jumping in and out of hot water when we should be lolling around at a fancy resort sipping fine wine and receiving a massage from a bodybuilder named Thor....more