When to Drop the "Dead Baby" Bomb

I've been blogging since a few months after my son died and was born. Along the way I have connected with other bloggers who share my story. There is a special bond between us, we are sisters in grief. Many of us have gone on to have our rainbow babies. Some have stopped blogging, but a few of us have continued. It's been nice to be able to see how other BLM's are dealing with life after our rainbows are born. ...more
I don't know. I suspect that the answer is probably different for each relationship? Is that ...more

I Need My Public Face

We all know that face. The one we put on when we're not at home. The smiling happy face that portrays someone who is doing great.She has it all together. She's coping well with her loss and grief and disappointment. She's handling things with such dignity. She's going to be ok. Some days that face fits comfortably. Other days it just feels like one big lie. On those days I wish I could just rip it off and scream at the top of my lungs....more
I can only hold the public face for so long.  I still have moments when I'm not strong enough to ...more

The Elephant In The Room

It's so nice when all my friends come back from their summer holidays. Life as an expat reminds me very much of my college/university days in that respect. Some people go back home for the summer and others stay around but travel quite a bit. So it's hard to connect with people because you never know who's in town. But once September rolls around everyone comes back and it's time to reconnect. It's a bit strange to see everyone again....more

Eleven

Eleven months since you were born silently into this world. At times I can't believe it's been that long already. At other times it feels like it's been eleven years. I am filled with mixed emotions today. I am sitting in a lovely hotel in Spain. We have spent the week sleeping late, laying by the pool, getting tan, drinking wine, and taking naps. Oh, and I've also been injecting myself with IVF drugs in preparation for our upcoming transfer. ...more

An Amazing Letter From My Mother

We're getting ready to start our donor egg IVF cycle and I was talking with my parents about it over the weekend. They are hugely supportive of what we are doing because they know exactly what we are going through. You see, when I was 2 years old my Mother had a stillborn son. The cause was doctor error,, they pierced the umbilical cord during an amnio in the 8th month. She had no idea anything was wrong until the next appointment when they found no heartbeat. This was back in the 1970's when people weren't nearly as sensitive to these things....more

The One Where I Lie to My Friends

I have a confession to make... a friend is moving back to the US and even though I pretend to be sad about it, I am actually happy she's going! I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I can't help myself. It's amazingly selfish and if any of my friends in real life knew they would be very upset with me. They would be horrified that I could think such a horrible thing about someone I call my friend. It would probably change their view of me completely. So I hide it. I keep it to myself and pray that no one discovers my dark secret. So what is this friend's crime?? What has she done to make me so happy that she's moving so far away? Three wordsHER BABY LIVED...more
I am not exactly in your situation...the only time I was lucky enough to have been pregnant was ...more

Why Couldn't I Have Held Him?

I share a lot in this space. The good, the bad, and the ugly. No holds barred. It's the main reason I don't reveal myself here, so that I can be totally honest. But this is something that I am not sure I should share. In fact, I may type the whole thing and then not publish it (if I do publish it then I apologize in advance because I'm sure my thoughts will be all over the place). ...more

First of all, let me give you my condolences. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel ...more

The Club That No One Wants To Join

I have found myself a part of a very exclusive club. It's a secret club that you only find out about once you're invited to join. The price of membership is very high and there are no refunds. Once you become a member, you are a member for life. No matter where you go or what you do, you will always belong to this club. It is an all-inclusive group of men and women from around the world. This club does not discriminate against anyone for any reason. It is one of the most diverse clubs around. Equal opportunity reigns free here. ...more

You write movingly and I am very sorry for your loss. You point out the importance of grieving ...more

Six Months

Six months since you were born silently into this world. Six months. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, other times it feels like it's been years. I didn't forget about this day, but I didn't dread it as much as the 13th's of previous months. I am sad and I miss you terribly, but this month the feelings of grief are not as heavy on my heart. ...more

Things in Motion- Update

A few days ago I posted about my plans for the future. I was a bit nervous about taking steps forward as I've grown comfortable in this new world I've created for myself. But I took a chance and it paid off. ...more