How to be Married

  A lesson in relationship stuff that's way smarter than stuff Oprah or Dr. Phil says because I'm a self-proclaimed expert in marriage. ...more

47% of everything Google says is 97% true which is why it's ok to use it as a substitute for a marriage counselor. Usually.

   The other night when all of the plumbing in the freezing cold basement at our place broke, James and I got into a huge fight.  Obviously.  Everybody knows that a gigantic fight is the first step in fixing a plumbing problem.  It went something along the lines of:Me: No! Water!James: Broken.  Everything's broken. Me: Fix water!James: Can't.  Broken.Me: Water feet! Cold! YOU!...more

Wearing tampons as shoes will not win you Oprah's love. Not even close.

James and I own a teeny tiny restaurant in a really, really old building.  The plumbing is stupid, as most plumbing in old buildings is.  I don't want to get into too many details, but about an hour after I got to work tonight I smelled like a sewer, I was covered in black sludge, my lips were blue and I had bar towels taped around my feet. I went in the bathroom and scrubbed some of the black sludge off of me, and doused myself in diffuser oil to cover the smell. As I walked out, one of our customers stopped me......more

Reason #437 why nobody invites me anywhere anymore

Anonymous friend*: So, we went and saw "Gran Torino" last night.Me: Uh-huh.Anonymous friend: Yeah, it was AWESOME.Me: Uh-huh.Anonymous friend: Have you seen it?Me: Uh-uh.Anonymous friend: You HAVE to see it, it's SO good.Me: Um, yeah...I don't really like Clint Eastwood so much. ...more

You can't just go dropping F-bombs anywhere you please.*

Seriously, you can't...which totally sucks, by the way, and here's why: ...more