Pull My Finger

As a professional columnist who writes on matters of pressing national importance that frequently involve food-thieving dogs and sanity-stealing teenagers, I sometimes have to deal with difficult people. These people typically share a common trait - they openly admit to being men. One such brazen fellow contacted me recently to let me know that he did not believe I actually write my columns, suggesting I must employ the services of a male ghostwriter. “Your columns are too funny,” he wrote. “And women aren’t funny." ...more

Pin Something On This Donkey

It’s a sad fact that no one has invented a decent party game since Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Now that was a great game, involving a sharpened object wielded in a precarious fashion by a blindfolded and highly excitable person. ...more

The Loose End

To celebrate the end of football season, I've posted something I wrote back at the beginning of yet another season of insanity... THE LOOSE END Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. -- Erma Bombeck ...more

Cruise Control

If the Good Lord had wanted us to eat sensibly this time of year, he wouldn’t have invented the cruise ship. It must have been divine compulsion that drove my family and a couple thousand of our closest friends to set sail recently on an after-Christmas cruise in the Caribbean . It’s not that we wanted to sail around the sea for a few days eating everything in sight. We certainly didn’t choose to arrive home after our gluttonous voyage weighing about the same, in tonnage, as the boat we came in on. So we must have been on a mission from God. ...more

Rompin' Rover Resolutions

I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions And Mama my intentions were the best -- Randy Travis in "Good Intentions" Mark Twain once suggested that January is a good time to begin paving hell with all those "humbug" resolutions we make on New Year's Day. This year, buoyed by research that shows that one-third of these well-meaning intentions don't even last a month, I've resolved to be realistic, and I didn't make any resolutions. So I won't be out there on the paving crew with the rest of you. ...more

LBD Conspiracy

It's funny how one's self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it goes through some kind of freezing process that crystallizes this warm memory into a mental ice cube tray where you can periodically pull it out of the figurative freezer of dreams and lick it with the symbolic tongue of delusion just to make sure it's still there. Or something like that. ...more

The Gift Grinches

It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags! And he puzzled three hours, ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more! – How the Grinch Stole Christmas Every family has at least one gift grinch, a holiday humbugger who seems to spoil the glory of giving. In my family, we have two different kinds of the breed – one a young cheapskate and the other older and impossible to please. ...more

The Rock and The Hard Place

Sometimes, when I haven't had to put down a toilet seat or listen to several rounds of a burping contest for awhile, I begin to feel sorry for today's men. Especially the young ones, those just on the cusp of the real world who don't have a clue what they're getting themselves into. Take the dilemma of dating, for example, where all the rules have seemingly changed, but in truth, all the rules remain pretty much the same. Except for the ones that really have changed. ...more

'Tis A Few Weeks 'Til Christmas

Tis a few weeks 'til Christmas and all through my house Not a gift has been bought, and I’m feeling like a louse. The dog chewed up the stockings I left in her reach without care And I’m hoping St. Nicholas will soon take her with him in the air. My consumers, er, children, nestle each night snug in their beds, With craniums full of toy commercials that cause visions of dollar bills to dance in mass marketers’ heads. And me in my stained sweatpants, with my hair in a cap I’m too seasonally stressed for even a short winter’s nap. ...more

Of Mice and Martha

Every year about this time, I harvest a new crop of hope that’s been watered by an abundance of denial. I envision a holiday season infused with peace, saturated with a spirit of thankfulness and goodwill. There will be no chaos this year, no crush of time bearing down on us like a frenetic freight train. Order will prevail in my world of good things and gracious living. Martha Stewart will be proud of me. ...more