The Littles Will Never be Hipsters

My Communications Degree

All By Myselfie

I'm sure you're aware by now that teens today have a big problem. They have a photographer shortage. That's right, all of the baby boomers are retiring. And since none of our youth is studying photography, it leaves them with no other option than...the selfie. Profiles everywhere are littered with these solitary masterpieces. Phones are now handheld mirrors to the soul. Arms are strained as they reach high overhead to get the perfect chinless shot. And bathroom mirrors across the nation gleam as they claim the #1 slot for the self-portrait backdrop....more

Sex, Drugs and Triathlon

You may not want to read this at work. Not because it’s R rated, but because, well, you should be working. Ironman obviously loves triathlon. You don’t get that title by sitting around in your barcalounger watching Andy Cohen on Bravo. Though if you did, I’d have quite a few M-dot tattoos. Youearn it, one sweat bead at a time. So I’ll bet you’re wondering where the sex and drugs fit in? Well, triathlon IS an addiction, but I’ve been unsuccessful in locating a tri rehab. I don’t think anyone knows quite how to handle a triathlete in withdrawal....more

Can't I Just Rest In Peace?

Ironman and I are at a stalemate. He wants to buy us plots. Because nothing says I love you more than neighboring headstones. You may think it’s sweet. You may be impressed even. I’ll admit, his ability to plan for the future surprised me, since most of the time I have to change the clothes over to the dryer when he’s started up a load in the washer. I’m kidding. It’s all of the time. Anyway, his land-buying venture went horribly awry when I informed him I don’t want to be buried. It seemed simple enough. But when I told him why, he didn’t believe me....more

For Smart, Press 3

Ironman says the smartphone is making us dumb. Not you and I, of course, but the collective us. You know, the teenagers gathered on the street corner, all on their phones texting each other. Or the idiot who checks the weather app to see what the temperature is instead of walking outside (oh wait, that one is me. I should be offended). Or the guy who erroneously winds up at a lake because he blindly accepts google map’s directions to the airport (clearly one of those new trendy underwater airports). But I say, Ironman, the smartphone is making me smarter....more

Please Return Your Tantrum to the Full Upright Position for Landing

Pañal is “diaper” in Spanish. Tantrum is “hell on Earth” in English. I can handle each on its own, but ne’er the two shall meet. Unless they run into Little J and ask him to meet them for coffee. Little J is usually the happiest little two and a half feet in the toddler kingdom. But a walk to the changing table starts a catastrophic metamorphosis. I am suddenly the proud mother of a steel plank that has lost all flexibility in the cooling process. In related news, I am now studying the ancient art of hog tying. And the hog is winning....more

Home Sweet Zillow

Ironman and I move somewhere new every week. In our head of course. And don’t worry, we take the Littles, blissfully unaware of the displacement. While most people are feverishly poking their iPads to make birds angry, our fingers are tapping the big blue Z, mentally relocating to a house twice as big as ours. As we peck through the houses for sale, we dream of more space and a floor that doesn’t creak just as you tip toe out of Little J’s room at night....more

Love It, List It or Hate It

I’ll admit it. I may need a stint in HGTV rehab. I have a small HGTV addiction. I can stop at anytime though, I swear. Ironman doesn’t think so. He once tried to bribe the cable guy to block the channel permanently from entering the house. True story. He commiserated with him, since his wife also shared a love of the Home and Garden sauce, and they went and got a beer. Not a true story. I’ll continue. So, my relationship with the home improvement crack is at times a love/hate one. A hit of House Hunters will go a long way....more

I am a Jetson

I had one of those days today. You know, the kind where you’re rolling along about your day and suddenly something hits you and it makes you stop and think. Today I realized  I am a Jetson. I don’t mean I full on travel in a personal spaceship (though Ironman might disagree) but I realized that my life, my kids’ lives are sprinkled with things even the Jetsons couldn’t have dreamed up. The realization began while arriving at my table at a restaurant. I felt like I did it in slow motion. As I approached our table, my head was still scanning the restaurant tabletops....more