Resolutions Be Damned

At 9:20 this morning, I considered making a New Year's resolution.At 9:21, my diaphragm quivered. A sheen of sweat broke out over my upper lip.At 9:22, I vomited a little into the back of my mouth.At 9:23, I swigged some Pepto-Bismol and returned to bed.This, at the mere thought of self-betterment.At 11:30, slurping my coffee, I resolved to greet this New Year just as I did the last.I renounce any change that could result, no matter how minutely or indirectly, in personal growth....more

Cropped Out

April, 2005Yawn. Loud slurp of coffee. I shuffle to the living room, flop down on the couch. For twenty minutes, I stare at a wall. Then I pad over to my computer to check my email.There it is: the weekly list of my ideal matches....more

Thanksgiving Gratitude

As owner-operator of The Neurosis Files, I work hard to keep thoughts of gratitude at bay. Though tempting at times, they’re a luxury I can’t afford. Entertain just one and, before you know it, I’ll be devoting posts to puppies playing in meadows, William Shatner’s endearing qualities and my Aunt Chloe’s miraculous way of reviving wilting chrysanthemums. Then where will I be?This Thanksgiving, however, I’m choosing to indulge.Here’s what I’m grateful for:The freedom to express my disdain for parades whenever I feel like it....more

It Could Never Happen To Me

 I’d like to believe I’m beyond this kind of thinking. But I’m not. When it comes to certain situations, I’m stupefied to discover that I am not exempt. For example, I never thoughtthat I could miss a plane. Recently, I learned otherwise. My shock was profound; my identity challenged. Twice I howled, “Nooooo!” in slow motion, just like in the movies.I never thought I’d succumb to the treacherous vortex of collective social interaction commonly known as Facebook....more
Great List!  I never thought I would live in a place known as the winter city.more

In Crisis: The Yard Sale

My boyfriend Jake and I have are having a yard sale today from 9:00 to 3:00. It just turned 9:01. I am in distress.It’s my splendiferous collection of jeans, displayed lovingly on a large piece of cardboard, that’s paining me. I’ve spent the past two days trying to determine which of my many pairs I could bear to relinquish. My guiding principle was, ”If you’ll probably never fit into them again, they have to go.”...more

Swim, Charlie! Swim!

Charlie, a fine turtle by all accounts, doesn’t know how much longer he can keep swimming. It’s been two days, and relief is nowhere in sight.Charlie has been left in the care of my mother, who agreed to feed him while the Schmidts are away. In a fit of eager conscientiousness, she filled his tank to the rim. Since then Charlie has been swimming for his life, and for all that he holds dear.Charlie hadn’t wanted to go away with the Schmidts, but an invite would have been nice. Especially in hindsight, knowing the ordeal he would have been spared....more

Charlie: The Conclusion

Day two has bled into day three. Charlie continues to swim.Charlie has been left in the care of my blonde and buxom mother, who, in a fit of misguided generosity, filled his tank to the rim....more

False Alarm

I have a friend. Let's call her Marge....more

Get Out Of My Way!

This post could have be pared down to this: Title: "Slow Left-Lane Drivers Suck Ass." Text: "Word."...more
You may just be my driving soul mate. I have road rage like no other, mostly from being born and ...more

The Black Hole

Do you ever get shop-vacced into an abyss where anything is possible, nothing ever happens, and time has no meaning? I do. It started twelve minutes after I got my first computer....more