Forever Twenty-Five

If I could go back to any age,it wouldn't be any time during high school;what a fucking awkward stage. I also would not be a young girl.I just agonized about everythingto the point where I would almost hurl. Forever twenty-one is getting closerBut I wasn't quite taken seriously.In fact, I was likely an obnoxious poser.I wasn't overly impressed with thirty.I spend the majority of it being unsatisfied,bloated, chafed and dirty....more

C'ouch Sex

If this doesn't scream 'love', I really don't know what does...Lady: There's nothing on TV tonight.Husband: Wanna fuck?L: Well, when you say it like that... Yeah!He starts taking off his clothes right there.  Oh, you mean down here?H: Yup. That OK?L: (giggles) I guess.I start taking off my clothes while he goes to lay down on the carpet, naked and staring at me like he's the cat that just ate the canary. I look down... full cock and barrel salute.H: I'm ready.L: I see that!...more

I'm Not Special

I've known for a while now that I would have to write this post, but I have been prolonging it as much as possible. Why? Apart from the obvious subject, it has stemmed from a recent conversation that made me feel like a completely selfish and ignorant twat.I will be flying this Sunday, September 11th, 2011....more

White Girls Eat Hot Dogs

One of my best friends in elementary school was from Hong Kong. Her family had moved to Canada when she was 3 years old, so she had a little bit of an accent, but her English was great. Her mother, on the other hand, did not speak English....more

Why Wedding Dresses are like Cocaine

I was never a girlie-girl. When other girls were playing Hop-Scotch or Barbies, I was at the local pond catching frogs. My mother would occasionally sew me a dress and I would reluctantly wear it a couple times, although it was usually made for a particular event to which it was a necessity to wear it.I was very good at ruining pretty things. I can even recall at my mother's wedding, I had ripped the lace hem clear off my flower girl's dress and my Aunt was frantically sewing it back on in the limo while I was completely hysterical. Shit!...more

His Nose Knows

Jake had large features - larger than the average bear anyway. Somehow they all worked together on his face and he was a fairly attractive man. I've often seen young children with features like his and thought to myself, "JESUS CHRIST! That's one ugly kid!" But 9 times out of 10, those kids grow into their features and usually turn out to be quite handsome or beautiful - it just takes time. So, yes, Jake had big ears, a strong cleft chin as well as a large cleft nose. His nose was probably the first thing I noticed about him when we met......more

The Friendship Equation

Originally, I was going to write an oh-so-wise hypothesis as to how, although unlikely, men and women can be only friends but it wasn't anything that I hadn't heard before. I recently told someone that I've had sex with all my guy friends, except for one. That much is true, because that one is gay... but as it turns out, I even made out with him "pre-closet exiting" in a drunken fog back in high school....more

My First Dildo

I was quite the tomboy growing up – who am I kidding? My shoes vary between Crocs, Birkenstocks and Blunstones – I’m still a tomboy. This was partially due to the fact that Manolo Blahniks don’t exactly come in triple wide; but that’s OK because I have always preferred comfort first and foremost. I was an uber athelete – almost every sport came naturally to me, except for maybe running, but I even did that too. Some may have found it surprising, since I didn’t exactly have the body of your typical athlete, but there I was, kicking ass in everything I played....more

Yep, it totally ruined it for me ;)
It took me a year before I decided to bring out the biggie. ...more

Santa's a scary dude.

Every year one after another of unsuspecting toddlers line up to sit on Santa’s lap in the mall or at an office Christmas party, only to burst into hysterics and wriggling fits of terror. Why do parents put them through that? Because it’s Santa Claus, god dammit! He’s friggin’ jolly and all that other shit! It mystifies me how so many people insist on placing their traumatized child on his lap, even though they really don’t even quite get the whole notion of Christmas anyway....more

lol.. I use that Mommy card on other things... like stupid looking hats that I think are so darn ...more

Breakup Café

I met a guy at a cute little café in the city when I was 21 and we immediately hit it off – it wasn’t my normal place to go, so it became a little special to me after that night; I thought it was for both of us. We had an incredible couple of months together. Everything between us clicked perfectly – intellectually, physically and everything in between. I was so happy and loved every second we spent together. Sometimes, I even thought that he could have been “the one”.After about 3 months, he changed a little bit....more