If I Graduated from the Electoral College…

Imagine how fun Election Day would be if we could just vote by the Claw Machine! (The poor Cubs player would probably still lose to the Annoying Orange.) ...more

Gulp: Here is My “Listen to Your Mother” Performance!

Okay, as much as I struggle with my Mickey Mouse voice and lunch-lady arms, here I am in all my glory! (At one point there is loud chuckling where I say “this is so much fun” but it didn’t really get picked up on the audio so it appears that the audience is laughing AT me and not WITH me. I am pretty sure that is not the case. They were absolutely lovely and I had the time of my ...more

Starting My Own Urban Legend

Do you remember the email chains about a knife-wielding killer who would hang out in the back seats of unsuspecting women’s cars? It freaked me out so much that I always glanced in my windows before getting into my car. Those days were over once I had kids and a minivan. I figured that I had a better chance of getting out alive than the poor sap/murderer with fruit snacks stuck on his ass — dizzy from the stench of ...more

The Best Pick Up Line Ever

Back in the day, a fella I was flirting with asked, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Dustin Hoffman?” Never had a chance to ask if he was referring to Tootsie or The Graduate. Either way, I didn’t have a make-out session with him. ...more

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Moms

I love my mom. I really, really love my mom. She has been my rock during our whole mission of getting Missy healthy. (Who is doing great, by the way!) While I was in the worst part of my stress-induced funk, she thoughtfully dropped off a bunch of her books for me. As I rummaged through the bag, I realized that my mom’s next calling will never, ever be President of the “Up with People Book Club.” No lie, this ...more

Happy Booby Birthday

Apparently my birthday wish for a boob job backfired. Instead, I was greeted this morning with a booby trap MacGyvered out of paper, tape, streamers and rubber balls that missed falling on my head by one inch. Thanks, Junior! ...more

Missy Update

Missy has been having another rough go of it with her health. I need to thank everyone for their support, prayers, interventions and advice. You have no idea how much it helped. ...more

Motherhood is…

Motherhood is watching your children sleep and praying you’ll have another chance to be a better mom to them the next day. What does motherhood mean to you? ...more

Listen to Your Mother

The day of the “Listen to Your Mother” show, I prepared like any seasoned Broadway actress would: I frantically searched for my missing Spanx, cleaned the kitchen, pulled weeds, then laid on the couch for a marathon of Long Island Medium, channeling Spirit ....more